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Ive been trying to make new friends for over a year now because ive managed to always get left out of every friend group im in. Every person ive tried to be friends with has always left me after a week for no reason at all.. ive always been nice and always kept the same energy, im always the one texting first and always being the first to ask stuff. Yet its so draining because i know barely of my friends and new friends wont do that for me.
Everytime ive made a new friend irl or online ive always let them vent to me and id listen to them and write paragraphs, helping them get through tough situations and checking up on them everyday to make sure they're okay. After they open up to me about stuff and i comfort them, some of them just leave me after that for no reason at all and it genuinely hurts.
When i see that they've left me on delivered and they're online or they've seen my message but havent replied to it makes me think ive done something and it makes me feel horrible.
I promise im nice. I love buying gifts for my friends and asking to call and talking to them everyday but i dont understand why some people are like that. Am i doing something wrong?
-Zac
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Taro
Not a friendship scientist, but I'm in my early 20s and been trying to make friends for quite a very long time. Studied what worked and what didn't. Had lifelong friendships thrive and had great ones crumble in a snap.
From experience, this is what I know. Every single person is unique, has different preferences, and for the most part, friendships ending without a stated reason is most likely an imbalance of expectations. Some people want a low maintenance friendship where they greet each other once or twice a week to check up on each other and maybe hang out once or twice a year, while others want that deep communication that last for hours almost every day.
Also be wary of people who may "use" a friendship for their own desires without recouping back the care you have. You said you listened to people's vents and comfort them, but they aren't willing to communicate back when they are done. Was that a friendship, or a one-sided relationship you'll willing to have because you desire any kind of communication? This isn't to say the other person is bad, but sometimes, a friendship not working out is not your fault.
Some people are also busy. I work a job until late at night and do chores and cook. The chance for me to talk for more than an hour or two at a time is quite minimal. Others might be in classes and in University exams are coming (or already happened). I've had times where it took me a week to get back to someone. Maybe a quick "hey, checking up on you!" after a period of time can work. I say maybe, it's a coin flip.
If you want to establish a long term friendship, the best way is to ask, be transparent, and start slow and go personal as the time goes on. Starting off a friendship with hours of communication and getting deep can be overwhelming when someone just wants to chat casually. Every friendship I've had for over a decade started off slow and steady, starting from greeting each other once in a while to now chatting.
Of course, there are many friendships that can instantly turn deep and works well, but it's not the norm. Online friendships pose their own unique challenges, if I'm friends with someone with a 12 hour timezone difference, it's difficult to have hours long conversations without one side losing sleep. Some people just aren't compatible with each other or just have preferences for specific kinds of people (I only befriend people 18+).
Overall, it's a lot of trial and error. I can only wish you the best, it's a tough world out there, but if you keep it up, respect people, and encourage transparency on what you and they want, you'll eventually find someone 💙
(I deleted and reuploaded the comment with edits, as I realize I can't edit my comments. My apologies.)