having a crush feels like experiencing a degree of psychosis

i have never been someone who develops a crush easily. in my almost 21 years of being alive, i can count on one singular hand how many people i've had a REAL crush on - as in would be actually open to pursuing instead of just appreciating their beauty. spoiler alert -- it's about 4 and there's about a two-and-a-half-year interval between each. i kid you not, it's like my body resets after each failed encounter.

anyways, like i mentioned, this does not come easily to me. even just a stereotypical physical attraction is not too quick to come. however, when this does happen to me it happens very hard and very fast, and i just don't know how much more of this 0-100 i can take

i developed my 4th crush (that i'm still suffering with) fairly recently after a few interactions with this person that have consisted of brief, yet good, conversations and companionable silences. additionally, we've talked over instagram a little bit.

at the end of the day, these interactions are so normal. absolutely nothing can even be viewed as romantic or anything WHICH IS FINE but also not really because i am insane and view it like that

it really is starting to make me more angry than anything though because logically, my brain knows that this person (while viewing me as something slightly above acquaintance) does not actually care if i live or die or am at a function. which, ONCE AGAIN, is okay for them, for me too. sorta. but anyway, i know this yet my brain still insists on genuinely making shit up and viewing things from this rose coloured lense and romanticise everything. they daydreaming about dating has been driving me to drink as well. potential dates, potential conversations, future interactions.

mind you, i don't even know if this person washes their ass.

do you guys understand why i'm losing it? it sucks because i have all these fantasies and stuff to the point that when the people i like don't act the way MY BRAIN LITERALLY MADE UP, i have the nerve to feel disappointed. how unfair is that, to the other person?though, i like to think that me being aware of how crazy that is, is a good first step in just coming to terms with needing to be present and take things for what they are and what they could be. 

i understand that this is not unusual to most people (omg i hope), but at what point does your brain stop clip farming (lmao, i got that from a tiktok, it's hilarious) 

until i can be more present though, i might have to hold off on dating. maybe when my frontal lobe develops? lmao, if this crush wears off with no relationship-based happy ending, my body will reset for 2 and a half years - i'll be closer to 25. HA