random thoughts, big outcomes. who would've thought

it's interesting how we barely notice just how much some things actually matter. like one small gesture, something you say without thinking, a reaction you don’t even mean to have but someone else ends up remembering it forever. it doesn't feel like a big deal, you don't think you did anything special, but for someone else it might’ve been exactly what they needed. or the thing that totally broke them

i wouldn't be surprised if the people who've complimented my style or some other thing about me have already forgotten they ever said it. but me? i still remember those things and they made me feel much better about myself. it can go both ways, though. i don't remember every kind thing i said to other people, but they might still remember those words to this day

and those random ideas you get when you're just sitting around on a thursday afternoon and something pops into your head out of nowhere, you just think 'meh, maybe not', but what if you didn't ignore it? what if you didn't brush it off, talked about it, actually started something? maybe it'd be real by now. maybe it would've changed everything. or maybe you did go for it and now it is real, all because of that one idea that showed up out of nowhere

for example, in 6th grade, i had this random thought about what high school i might want to go to, though i had nothing set in stone. i was wondering what if i ended up where i am now, but it wasn't even my top choice back then. i was forced into it by my dad, and since then, i resented him for it. i hated it here, and honestly, most of the teachers i've had or seen here are either frustrated or just don’t care about doing their job. i also feel like i got dumber during these years

though, if i hadn't come here, i probably wouldn't have met my boyfriend. and honestly? if this was the only way to meet him, i'd still choose it every single time. yeah, i've kind of declined academically but i feel like he keeps me grounded, like he’s the reason i haven't totally lost it

he also came here hoping the school would live up to its 'prestigious' reputation (it doesn't, it's just a fake label). he was convinced by a mutual friend to come here. we both regretted it. but looking back, maybe this was the best possible outcome, even with all the crap we went through. 

we also don't always realise how much impact we have just by doing (or not doing) something. saying a certain thing at the right time can literally save someone from a bad path. or it can prevent something that could've been amazing. sometimes you're about to send a text, then you change your mind. and maybe that text was exactly what someone needed. other times, not sending it saves you both from a mess. a fight, some pain, something that can’t be undone. 

maybe if my bf hadn't told me about his feelings for me almost two years ago, on the 30th of april, we wouldn't be where we are now. i'm 99.9% sure i wouldn't have made the first move since i'm too shy. his simple decision to confess how he felt led to the best thing for both of us.

or maybe if i just kept my mouth shut in certain situations, instead of saying stupid things that i just ended up regretting soon after, things would've been different. or if they thought twice, even thrice, before speaking

or if i hadn't stayed silent and had said something. anything. if they hadn't stayed silent.

but it's too late now to think about this. all i can do is own up to everything i did or said and try to do better. maybe those people can do that too. hopefully they've at least started working on themselves if they haven't already

life is full of these little moments that seem like nothing when they happen, but when you look back, you realize all those 'nothings' actually made you who you are, made the other people involved in those situations who they are now. all the tiny choices, those gut feelings, the random stuff you thought didn’t matter. all of it adds up, and together with the big things, it becomes your story. and other people's too

it's just so easy to miss all that. but those moments are always there, and they change everything, and not just for you, but for anyone. for everyone.