sorry for gatekeeping teehee

Genuinely, though. I'm sorry for that.

Yesterday was a pain in my ass. So many broken friendships, problems, and recovering. And GOD was it stupid as hell. I got into a lot of arguments, a lot of shit-talk about me behind my back, and more. I really do hate a lot of the internet. 

First part was the arguments. I was in a voice chat with my best friend Issa when some other people showed up. One was someone that didn't get into this argument, but was pretty fun to be around. Their name was Bunni. The other, was Azarashi and Chii. Azarashi didn't get into this argument, it was just me and Chii. And the way it started... was a fucking Honkai Star Rail lineup. And I was just joking saying they were gaslighting me with this lineup because I could prove it with my own screen, but that was satire/a fucking joke. Apparently my jokes are too oblivious, because Chii couldn't take it as a joke and was like "you all don't get SHIT because you called me a fucking gaslighter." I got pretty upset with them, and I tried apologizing, but apparently they made themself the victim again and fucking pissed me off SO HARD. (THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE!! I really shouldn't have forgiven them after their apology before -- They really didn't change at all. It was just a warning I was completely unaware of.) I really dislike Chii... and of course they just left every server I was in, even the ones I own. It really didn't end well. None of it did. I told Issa what happened and crashed out quite a lot there... started crying and everything. Aza left, and Bunni was super concerned. I'm surprised Bunni stayed throughout the whole thing. 

After all that happened, something was going on behind my back. Two other people I had been around with (that I had blocked because they were very problematic to me...) had noticed I blocked them and started going on this HUGE rant about how I can't communicate and how I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to dealing with me. I read through the whole conversation, and my chest was hurting so much... But here's the thing. I can't handle conflict, online or IRL, but I also don't seem to realize that IT'S THE INTERNET. Issa helped me realize that all this thinking is pretty pointless. He said that people on the internet are "either chronically online or have a grip on life." I took that to heart. He did, however, say that I fluctuate towards the two of those sides a lot when situations like the thing with Chii or what happened here. I took that to heart too. I'm going to try my best to listen more to people I trust, and of course, my dad, when it comes to this. AND listening to a better me, someone who knows how to deal with situations like this. I want to be more independent in what I do, and avoid major conflict. That's what I'll do. I'll try my best to be more of myself and understand that I can't let these people ruin my mental health.

anyways holy shit was that a pain to write, sorry to bring down the mood :(
I just needed to write this. Thank you so much for reading.

There will be updates later today! I'm sure today will be okay, I promise :)

P.S. I will be blocking Chii and I'm gonna be taking frequent large breaks from Discord. (oh yeah, all of this was on Discord. Who would've guessed.)

PSPS... I know I'm pretty immature. I DID say I'm going to try my best to change -- that also means maturing.