The meds are right there but so is my will to do nothing

so I’ve had my depression meds sitting on my desk for like a month. 

Just chilling. 

Watching me spiral like “ girl be serious.” and I’m like “no.”

I don’t know why I’m not taking them. They’re literally right there. One swallow away from slightly better brain chemistry. 

But my brains like, “nah, lets rawdog this depression episode for ✨character development✨.”

Every day I wake up and think “todays the day.” and then I don’t. 

Instead I scroll. I disassociate. I start projects and abandon them. I stare at the wall like it owes me answers and think about everything and nothing at the same time. 

The worst part? I know the meds help. I know i function better on them.but something in me is addicted to the chaos. Like, if i start feeling good again, what am i gonna blame all my problems on? Accountability? Disgusting.

So yeah, I’m not okay. My executive dysfunction is on Olympic mode. I keeps saying I’m gonna get it together like it’s a personality trait, not a full time job with no paycheck. 

But if you’re also staring at your meds like they’re a toxic ex you’re not quite ready to forgive: I get you. We’re a little broken, a little brilliant, and a lot tired.

We’ll try again tomorrow. or next week. or whenever..