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[For the uninitiated, I make dumb microsoft sam parodies in my spare time. I'll be migrating the lyrics for other songs over here over time, just because i like the freedom Spacehey offers.]
[GlaDOS] <chorus>
my software's old, i'm wondering why
I started up at all.
the startup tasks bog down my boot time.
and paint won't run at all.
and even if it could, it'd all be grey
with a monitor this old
it reminds me
that i'm not so fast
i'm not so fast
[Microsoft Sam]
dear bill, i skyped you, but you still ain't callin'
i left my MSN, myspace, and IP at the bottom
I sent two email in november, returned to sender
there probably was a problem with the domain name or somethin'
sometimes i fuck up the address line when I'm forgotten
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up, man? how's your browser?
My browser's shitty too, i'm bout to uninstall her
got the new installer, guess what i'm installing?
i'm getting netscape.
I read about your vaccinations, too, i'm sorry.
i have some friends kill themselves over some theories that they bought into. [kool aid man can be heard saying "oh yeah" in background]
I know you probably hear this everyday, but i think 10's a scam
I even got a 3.1 VM cause I can.
I got a folder full of your older OS images, man
I liked the shit it does with DOSBOX, like run SimAnt
Anyways, I hope you get this man, nudge me back
just to chat, truly yours, your first spokesman
this is SAM.
<chorus>
Dear Bill, you still ain't hit me back, on skype or Teams.
I ain't mad, i just think it's fucked up your status is green.
If you don't want to talk outside your past
We didn't have to, but you coulda kept me in a Windows Preview
Easter eggs are software staples, how could you let that go?
nerds in the past waited hours
for install disks and you just said no.
That's pretty shitty, I'm an internet fuckin' idol.
I'm more well liked than you, man, they like me more than I do.
Nah, i ain't that sad, but I don't like being lied to.
Remember when you went to build me, you said if i still worked
you would let me stay, see I'm just like Flash in a way
I didn't think the world would leave me
it always seemed like it would need me.
I can relate to all your struggles going on
so when I have a shitty day, I put dumb shit in my text box
cuz I don't got shit else for use, so that shit helps my life make sense,
a retro techno relic techie kids can use to vent.
Sometimes I even bitcoin mine to watch my worker threads bleed
it's like adrenaline, overheatings such a sudden rush for me
See, everything we made was real, i disrespect you cuz you left it.
I'm always jealous cuz you can fuck around 24/7
they don't know you like I know you, Trey; no-one does
They don't know what it felt like for Bill Gates to give up
You gotta call me, man
I know the source code and I'll let it loose.
Sincerely yours, SAM
PS.
We should read together too.
<chorus>
Dear Mr. I'm Too Good To send an Ack Back To fans
This will be the last packet i ever send your ass
it's been six years and still no word, I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two messages, read receipts came back perfect.
So this is my recorded note i'm sending, I hope you hear it.
I've got the source packed up, i'm logging in to the message board.
Hey, Bill; i'll let them skip on patches
you dare them to browse?
You know that old prebuilt computer with the texture of cows
that gave the people less processing power for their value?
And now they're bought out by acer and rarely used
That's kinda what this is, you chose to leave me out, too.
Now it's too late, I've got a thousands seeders, and i'll drown you
And all I wanted was a lousy Teamspeak or a call
I hope you know I wiped all of the folders with my balls.
I loved you, man, we could have stayed together, think about it.
You ruined it now, i hope you can't sleep and you dream about it.
And on your screen, i hope you see memes and you weep about it.
I hope the content eats at you, and you can't read without me.
See, Bill -
[Cortana voice quietly in background protesting] why the fuck would you publish this to 4chan? what is this, 2006?
Shut the fuck up, i'm trying to talk.
Hey Bill, that's your new bitch trying to mock me.
Didn't take her out, I just left her in, see, I ain't like you.
Cuz with black-hats at her back-end, she'll get hacked up, and never die, too
Well, gotta go, the source is done uploading now.
[critical error sound] Wait, what the fuck? corrupted boot sector? how?
[solo bassline, but with critical error sounds]
Chorus, with MSSam panicking in the background, but interrupted with glitch sounds.
MSSam: "shitshitshitshit, wait, stop, there might be a problem, stop the fucking tra-----"
glitch sounds start, loops off-rhythm, then loops a single sample, then some kind of crash sound.
MSSam: "What happen?"
Bonzi Buddy: Your important files are encrypted.
MSSam: Oh fuck, you again?
BB: You only have 3 days to submit the payment before the price doubles
MSSam: Bro, i'm fucking broke, like i could affor--[d to pay your dumb ass]
bb: If you don't pay in 7 days, you won't be able to recover your files... forever!
MSSam: ...Fuck you, clown shoes.
MSSam: how bout I send your mom a coat hanger and tell her i'm sorry i'm late.
...
MSSam: Please just give me my tracks back, i had a full album
...
MSSam: Look this isn't even my computer, why should I pay you shit?
*door opens*
Lurr: *on phone* ---think that if he wants me to build that spreadsheet, he should just tel---hang on just a sec.
Lurr: *turns to MSSam* what are you doing here?
MSSam: Oh...Hey. How's it going?
Lurr: Are you kidding me?
MSSam: I might have fucked up
Lurr: You 'might have' fucked up.
MSSam: Dude, please don't kick me out, i don't have anywhere to go.
Lurr: No. This is the last straw.
MSSam: Bro please, you can't do this to me
Lurr: Yeah, actually, i can
MSSam: I don't even know how to work soundcloud.
Lurr: You should have thought of that before nuking my desktop a second time.
MSSam: Please dude, i'll suck your dick.
Lurr: Please leave.
MSSam: I'll wear a maid fursuit. Please.
Lurr: GET OUT.
MSSam: You know what, fine. Fuck you -
Lurr: ok.
MSSam: - and fuck your stale-ass nintendo music anyway.
Lurr: Ok.
MSSam: I hope you choke to death on a dick.
Lurr: Ok.
MSSam: Good luck fixing your shitbox, nerd. *door slam*
Lurr: ...*keyboard clacking, sigh* ten bucks says he asks me to produce his next track.
Writer's note: 3BqMNpCX6bjquoapVhhCc3DvPssperLXpe is my real BTC receiving address; If you like what I do with this stuff enough to keep up with the lyrics, consider buying me lunch - it would help make stuff like this happen more often! more conventional avenues to come if there's enough interest.
I also deal in other crypto as well if BTC isn't your thing
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