Ramblings

Trying to make a habit out of doing my silly little blog posts as an alternative for handwritten journaling because I shrimply don't have the energy or motivation for that most days. I miss when I was younger and would write daily, or a couple of years ago when I put a lot of time and love into my junk journal; it's just so hard being so burned out and currently having no way out of it.

I'm still on a weird sleep schedule right now and I'm trying to look after myself as best as I possibly can through it; it's so easy for me to slip into the depressive episodes when things are like this, so I'm focusing on reading daily and spending time co-existing with friends. For somebody with such low social energy I sure do need my body doubling to get through the day.

I have a list as long as my arm for my GP, but every time I say I'm going to call I just chicken out like I'm a child again. I've been dismissed by healthcare professionals so many times in the past that I just sort of freeze at the thought of speaking up for myself, but I know things won't improve if I don't at least try again. I worry I'm going to get an earful of "if all of this was bothering you so badly for so long why didn't you do something about it sooner", but I'm hopeful they'll be understanding of the depression and anxiety, and how it causes you to dig a hole that nothing can get you out of but yourself a decade later. I'm definitely doing a lot better mentally than I was for so long, and I can see my healing and growth which is great, but it is so much easier to stay static and idle in all of the fog. I'm fighting with myself to take the next steps to being a functioning person. Finding the balance between giving yourself grace and patience, and knowing you need to kick your own ass sometimes to improve things is something I struggle with a lot. Hopefully writing about my journey will help hold me accountable.

I've been putting my phone on airplane mode a lot to reduce screentime, and earlier I had a voicemail from my housing association. They're contacting me about the mold and damp in the bathroom... that I reported a year ago. Hopefully something will be done about it. My entire bathroom ceiling was completely black, and to "fix" it they just.. painted over it :D but there are cracks forming in the paint now, and there's mold escaping where they didn't need to cover up at the time. I've been trying not to think about it too much because it scares the life out of me for my health. It really needs to be torn down and just totally replaced, though I can't see them doing that with their current track record. Fingers crossed something gets resolved.

Right now I'm playing a HOG, Brink of Consciousness: The Lonely Hearts Murder, and for the standards of these games it's quite good and I'm enjoying it! I'm struggling a little bit with some mental health stuff that I swore to myself I wouldn't disclose on here (to give myself a disconnect from that part of my identity, because it's generally all-econmpasing and controls my daily life), and I wish I didn't have to be sitting by myself tonight, but I'm taking it easy and will power through. Who knows, maybe after this game and a bit of reading I'll actually feel sleepy sometime before 9am.

If you've read this far I'm blowing you a kiss, thank you for listening to my rambles. I hope you're having a good start to your weekend.