ke chucha mierda es el amor aki no esta la respuesta btw

i'm pretty sure that love has been written about long enough through the years in human history for me to come up with something new, i'm also pretty sure that i don't have enough words in my vocabulary or enough clarity about what love is for me to write something actually good about it.

once, years ago, i wrote about love in my shiny journal, just because it was two in the morning and i didn't understand if my grandparents loved me for who i was or they just did because they had to. now the words twist and wriggle down my throat because i have no fucking idea of what i want to say. i've thought for years that i had too many weird unreadable words that i might as well not say anything at all.

i get sentimental about windowsills and balconies and purple skies at midnight, about smoking even though i've never smoked anything in my life, and about friends i haven't seen in a while, so my view on love and its myriad meanings and forms is encapsulated in a tender feeling that swells in my chest and often makes me cry. but i'm also queer, adrianne lenker was my #1 spotify wrapped artist last year and i have a violin i never learned to play, so maybe don't listen to me because logic isn't my strong suit and being gay over feelings is. 

love, actual, genuine love, is some weird shit we humans have been gifted with, just like everything else, like anger and lies and honesty and also art. and i don't know where the softness that lies in my chest and whispers “thank you” to fucking nothing comes from every time i see the sun shine through the leaves, but it's there, it has been for a while and i don't think i want to get rid of it because it might be the realest thing i've ever felt –  hand in hand with fear.

so i think i will hold on to the unsatisfactory but real idea that love is something that cannot be understood, but something that can be felt and perhaps described in messy, hand-built words behind a door where the sun doesn't reach, and i may love everything i stumble upon, even the uneven, even the even.