Stab Wound and Bullet Hole

it feels so very good to dip my fingers into the weeping laceration. the flesh there is soft and wet. the deeper I paw within it, the more the edges of the wound flare out, the flesh becoming bruised and numb with pain. 

I have a stab wound here and bullet hole there. they bleed equally, but they hurt in different ways. the stab wound stings. it feels like my flesh is flayed, cut throat to crotch. it isn't a particularly large stab wound, but it feels so very big. my whole body moves with it. 

the bullet hole feels deep. it goes all the way through me and right past my soul. I can feel it ten years ago, when I was nine and hated my parents and loved to run barefoot in parking lots. 

I can fit my finger perfectly in the bullet hole. you know those cave diving tragedies? well, they enrapture me like no other tragedy. how are some caves so perfectly sized as to just barely hold a grown human? just big enough that you can slide in and never slide out. like its a grave the earth has been saving just for you. 

that's what the bullet hole feels like. I can wiggle my finger just so, feeling my flesh smooth in some places and rough in others. blood pours out every time I do that, welling around my finger and pooling on my skin and dripping down the light curvature of my body. 

the stab wound leaks constantly, and I can fit all five of my fingers within it- though I usually like to keep my thumb out so I can smear the fresh blood over the dried blood. I can move around my organs with my hole hand inside. how to describe it...its sort of like there's something deeply wrong and you can feel it in your gut. like the moment right before a car crash. I have been in three car crashes, so I would know the feeling. when I move my stomach up near my lungs, It feels like I'm going to be sick and die and suffocate horribly. its my favorite thing to do. 

sometimes I only want to gently run my fingers over the wounds in a lackadaisical way. getting my fingers wet with blood, gently satisfying the flesh that so pathetically begs for pain and relief from the pain.

the bullet hole pulses painfully around the bullet. I can feel it there at all times, pressing against my flesh with I move or twist. half of the time, I have the most unbearable itch to get it out. I've tried to stick two fingers into the hole, desperate to pull it out with my fingertips like a dog with thorn in its paw. an animal reaction, tearing the flesh and only serving to push the bullet deeper. I'll give up, sweaty and soaked in agony, willing to do anything to remove the damn thing. 

the other half of the time, the bullet feels positively euphoric in my flesh. I do nothing but put all of my focus into the nerves there and feel it as clearly as I can, writhing my body to press the wound tighter. I leak around the bullet, blood and fat and other bodily substances that are never supposed to leave the confines of the skin. 

gosh, just writing about it- both wounds tingle so terribly. I really can't stop myself, you know. its an animal reaction. the wounds have become to severe I can't even wear clothes less they get soiled quickly. how am I to live?

my whole life, my everything- it becomes the stab wound and the bullet hole. my fingers are always pruney. I am always overwhelmed by a feeling that was meant to end quickly.