empathy - how is it taught? is there any benefit?

(Note: This became a long one, but please bare with me)

It's scary how fast SNS algorythms can pull you into spheres that magnify certain social issues. It's not always clear how widespread some things are, because after all, there's just so so so many people living on this planet.

But recently I cannot help but notice one big thing that I personally think is dying out slowly. Why do I think so? Because I don't only see it online, but it started to show very strongly offline too.

Throughout the past, I'd say, 10-ish years, what was often one of the biggest reason for me suffering mentally, was my above-average sense of empathy. I'm not just saying that about myself to appear some kinda way, this was also what people around me often said about me. Many said, I'm way too empathetic. I shouldn't be so understanding of others, and let them walk over me.

Over the course of my life, I often would feel the consequences of that. There have been many instances of bad things happening to me in return for doing good things for others. Again, this is not me saying I'm a saint or anything, I'll get to the point. First, some more yapping and personal anecdotes.

As long as I remember, different people have told me, doing good without expecting anything in return will always come back to you at some point. Life will reward you.

I remember one time, almost 10 years ago even if 2017 feels like 3 years ago, when I decided to switch to another bank. Did all the paperwork there, and afterwards decided to go eat lunch somewhere. Put all my belongings on the seat next to me, ate my burger, grabbed my bag and left. About 2 hours later, I get a call from my new bank saying that a couple found a little bag that was left behind at a restaurant, and they saw it's papers from this bank so they immediately brought it to one of the branches where I can pick it up, which I did. This was definitely one of the rare moments where me trying to do good all my life has rewarded me. I never got to thank them personally, but my gratefulness to them will always be in my heart.

But since then, I can barely come up with any instance where I was rewarded again like this. Quite the opposite, sometimes when I tried to help someone, it even reflected back quite badly, sometimes hurting me or putting me in dangerous situations even. And obviously sometimes there wasn't even a Thanks.

Did I sometimes get thoughts like "Honestly f everyone, I won't help anyone ever again"

I would lie if I said "no". Definitely I thought this a lot, out of desperation, anguish, disappointment. But that's the thing. This is just the reality of this world. Good deeds can't always be rewarded positively. Life would be too easy then I suppose. 

But it's because it's so ungrateful and hard that many people just stop doing things for others, when their empathy reached a limit. They feel betrayed by everyone telling them how rewarding it is to help others.

And so they stop. They turn off their empathy, if they even had any. No longer will their heart try to connect with others.

And that's always one of the saddest things to witness in others... I cannot even be mad. I understand, I really do. I still got my empathy, but recently I had this weird thought: Would I still care so much for others, if I wouldn't be so scared of regretting not helping them? Like, as of now, what often drives me is the thought of "could I live with the thought of not having done anything to help?"

So what does that make me? Isn't that actually quite egoistic? Do I only help others so I don't feel bad about myself?

It's really random, but those kind of thoughts also sometimes eat at me. Not that it's hard for me to see myself in a bad light, I am pretty much my biggest hater since forever. I wonder if anyone else has this dilemma in their mind...

But back to the topic of people losing empathy. I really think there is a worldwide problem of the decline of empathy in humans. Not saying there have ever been times where every person in the world was empathetic... But to a certain degree, I feel like it has been "more" in the past.

Offline, as I said, I started to notice it in some people too, but online it's just a very hard watch. Just open any comment section anywhere, and you will see people write very horrendous things very non-chalantly. Judgemental things, stuff to bring others down, "joking" about hurting or abusing others, cursing out genders and religions or someones personal preferences. In the end they will then proclaim something about freedom of speech.

It's heartbreaking, honestly. And once you are in that algorythm, it will show you the worst of it.

I have a faint memory of many years ago, when someone told me angrily, as an adult I have to take sides, I have to participate in arguments, I must have an opinion on either A or B.

I never understood it honestly. Most of the time, neither A nor B was completely right in my eyes, so it would have been very uncomfortable for me to choose one side just because I "have to", according to others. What about a middle ground? To me it doesn't seem like a matter of A or B or Black or White. There's so many shades of truths and rights in between. So many shades of grey (no pun intended).

Often, both sides have true arguments, but not all of them.

And so, for long time, I considered myself very weird and very immature. I thought, why am I like this? And why is everyone apparently so much smarter and sure about their opinions?

At some point not too long ago I changed my mind though. I'd like to think I was right. There is different shades of truth in between, and I think moving away from too extreme opinions just a little could make a big difference. And as I write this, I do come to the conclusion that I think empathy plays a big role in this.

I think the more empathy someone has, the more the person will move around in those "grey zones". Although maybe I need another name for that, because usually grey zones refer to somewhat semi-illegal social or law-related actions... uhm... I thought about "middle ground", but the sound of that sounds like it means a definite middle between two extremes. Ah heck, let's just call it the realm between, just for the whimsy.

So, people with empathy will have their opinions move somewhere in the realm between, and I am pretty sure the more they lose their empathy (due to suffering continuous disappointments as mentioned in the beginning), the more they will move towards either of two sides. The more they get hurt, or let go of their empathy for whichever reason, the closer they will go to that side, until they hit a metaphorical wall. And I'm not sure if they will be happier there with nowhere else to go, and so they get even more frustrated, more unhinged.

How fast that happens might or might not depend on how much empathy they started out with. For the sake of, I don't know, my sanity or hope, I'd like to believe that every human is born with a little empathy. After all, it's one of the very very few things that differentiates us from animals, and there has to be a reason for it. Not that I can prove it...

But let's imagine that is true, let's visualize this more like in a game: Supposed humans have stats like in a game, and the empathy stat is a number from 1-10, I want to believe that we all are born with the stat 1. Then it's up to our parents to level us up. Some are good at it, some unfortunately really suck at this game. Probably it's not just our parents influence though who influence our empathy. To keep up with the game-metaphor, other relatives, friends or whatever surroundings can give us stat boosts too if we interact with them. Some of the dialogue options might even have negative stat effects. And in some cases, people suffer from too many debuffs until their empathy stat just... poof. Takes permanent damage.

Now that was a very roundabout way to explain it, but I thought maybe it's more fun like that. I personally like game related metaphors and analogies haha...

Shortly said, it all comes down to our upbringing and surroundings.

And everyone potentially meets their limit at some point. I really understand, I do. I had the thought so so many times. Of not wanting to do good deeds anymore. But tl be honest, so far in life I have still not found any meaning to my existence, and the only thing that gave me any sense of purpose was always helping others. So unless that changes, I will probably continue to do so.

The thought of losing my empathy, no matter how often it has betrayed me, is scary though. I think it takes you to a place it's hard to return from. But it would be so beneficial to all of humanity if we all, well, raised our empathy stats again... then maybe people would stop and consider things more that they say or do to others. I can't prove it, and maybe I'm naive, but I really believe it would be good.

But how do we teach empathy too people who now have permanent damage, permanent debuffs, etc. Are they actually permanent or is there some secret spell or item we as the players can find to help?

Nerdy jokes aside, but really, what can we do? Some people dug their feet so deep into the soil and then poured fresh cement over here, and they stand there screaming on top of their lungs about their very one-sided, extreme, opinion. Wether it be political, religious, societal, life-quality or whatever related. As I mentioned earlier, they literally are standing facing a wall, not seeing anything in front of them, but also turned their backs from anything behind them. They scream and scream and are only heard by people who stand next to them, facing the same wall, screaming the same things. They are scarred, scared, angry, frustrated, helpless.

What can we do... really, just what on earth can we do. I really can come only to this one conclusion now, that empathy,

 - a value (?) that is so locked down on and being seen as a weakness nowadays (for example by a certain very weird individial that has too much money even though his cars are now not being bought anymore) - is the potential key. So that things get better. We need empathy, but I also want to point out, that in a perfect and very delulu world, this empathy would also not be taken advantage of. Which, I know, is, well... maybe we can cross this bridge when we get to it.

But obviously helping someone or doing good deeds for someone should not be at the cost of someone elses life. As someone leaving in Europe, I feel like a certain social topic that has been very strongly discussed since 2015, would be a strong counter-argument against empathy. That's why I mentioned the "not at the cost of someone elses life".

I purposely don't directly mention any world issues here, but just know that I often understand bits and pieces of both sides, and I think with more empathy (take a shot whenever I use this word in this blog entry... just kidding, don't, please haha), it might become easier again to try and meet somewhere in... well... the✨realm between✨.

But the question stands: how is empathy tought after childhood, or/and how can it be re-learned?

All I can do until an answer is found is continue to do good and hopefully, if it is seen, it will be mirrored by others, who then maybe also manage to affect others.

🍓

(Note:

I tried to purposely not mention certain words here, because I did really try to make this as inviting to everyone no matter their opinion, in hopes to just stir some thoughts. because I noticed that some words, even the most normal words, have become some sort of buzz words to people, and as soon as they read it, some people (again, no matter which "side" they are on for whatever issue), will then immediately shut down, close their heart, not wanting to listen, because they immediately feel the need to defend themselves or their believe. I hope I did a good job in finding some sort of wording that kept you searching for the answer on how to categorize me, and I hope after reading this you understood you won't find a clue like that, but instead were able to earn a stat point! :) )