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TW - talk of childhood sexual abuse/violent sexual fantasy's/assault/sexual exploitation of minors/violence/OCD/strong unsencored languadge/and self-harm
I really need to get this off of my chest. this isn't something I normally post, DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ANYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE!
But from a very young age I've had strong sexually violent thoughts, I'm talking 7-8 years old restraining myself and pretending I was being raped, I would touch myself in front of family not understanding it was wrong (i started to do this at 7 years old), I pretended to film tutorial videos on how to "have sex with yourself". I would imagine my family being raped and me taking axes and knives to my vagina and not understand why it was making me so uncomfortable, I repetitively downloaded porn games on my tablet even after getting caught.
I also showed signs of, in my opinion, what looked like OCD. I would have full blown meltdowns if my walking pattern wasn't correct, or if my "vocal stims" (I'm not sure what else to call it) didn't feel correct.
I feel like something of a violent nature may have happened to me when I was little. on top of all that something about sex makes me queasy, and I'm constantly paranoid that I'm pregnant (even though I'm currently on BC, we use condoms and the pull-out method).
Just some insight would be nice please.
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<--- me when I talk about this shit.
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^^friend of grandpa^^
there is a LOT of demonization on these topics (there was recently a very controversial post about something similar that got an account banned somehow even after a moderator said that the post wasn't breaking any rules), and let me tell you, you are not a bad person, even if people say you are because they don't understand it. My best advice would be to look into affordable or free resources for yourself, because you should probably look into some ways of working through any sexual guilt for your own sake.
I know I should but I'm totally not sure if anything even happened to me, I'm already pretty mentally ill by myself so it could just be more of that, and I don't want to reopen a wound that might not have even been open in the first place yk.
by ⁶𖤐⁶ Mal ⁶𖤐⁶; ; Report
Raven
it definitely sounds like ocd centered around sexual intrusive thoughts, (i have it) And you’re not a horrible person for it, i promise you. (idk if that’s what you think, i just know my intrusive thoughts make me think that)