A D.A.R.E. Officer Keeping It For REALLLLLLZ

Setting: A high school auditorium. Students are seated, and a D.A.R.E. Officer stands at the podium. A few teachers and possibly a school administrator are present.

(The D.A.R.E. Officer steps up to the microphone, looking somewhat nervous but determined.)

D.A.R.E. Officer: Good morning, everyone. I've been a D.A.R.E. officer for a number of years now, and today… well, today is going to be a little different.

(He takes a deep breath.)

D.A.R.E. Officer: I don't know why I can't lie about marijuana and say that it kills you like my D.A.R.E. officer did back in 2005. Today I have to tell you all to not take fentanyl and not be fucking stupid on the internet. Isn't that the lesson my generation should have gotten before yours? Not a fucking lecture that marijuana would lead to drugs like coke and heroin. Well, this is my last day as a D.A.R.E. Officer.

(A murmur goes through the student body. A few students exchange surprised glances.)

D.A.R.E. Officer: Also, why the fuck do I have to warn 5th graders about fentanyl? Want to know something? Fentanyl was first developed in 1959 and introduced in the 1960s as an intravenous anesthetic, way before I was born. And guess what else? In a sense, when children are introduced to the D.A.R.E. program and other anti-drug programs, they are being taken to a fabulous amusement park like Magic Mountain and being told that they aren't allowed to go on any of the rides...

(He pauses, looking out at the students.)

D.A.R.E. Officer: The big, nice, anal retentive man in the black and blue uniform comes into the room full of helpless, open-minded little children, filling their little heads with thoughts of a spinning world, with no cares, no problems, no stress, and no pain. Then they tell them that they aren't allowed to do all of these wonderful things that are so carefree and nice because they will hurt the child, they will "deflate the child's balloon" was one analogy that was forced upon me when I was in D.A.R.E. Kids start to believe that smoking pot occasionally is the same as raping someone or shooting heroin, that is what I was led to believe anyhow... and can you imagine how I must have felt when I found out my dad smoked pot? HELL! I was only nine years old and fresh out of the D.A.R.E. program thinking that my dad must also be a murderer if he smoked pot!

(Some students start to chuckle quietly. A teacher in the front row looks increasingly uncomfortable.)

D.A.R.E. Officer: Once this sort of information is forced upon the child, he begins to make decisions not for him/herself but for the D.A.R.E. program, and for the nice officer who told them what to do and what not to do, and who to believe and who to tell if someone in your family or one of your friends is involved with drugs.

(A student in the back whispers to their friend, "Dude, is he for real?")

Another Student: (Muttering) Finally, someone said it.

D.A.R.E. Officer: Maybe the things these people tell the kids isn't wrong, but at least let them make their own choices instead of forcing stereotypes on them.

(The D.A.R.E. Officer steps back from the podium. There's a moment of stunned silence, followed by a low rumble of chatter among the students.)

Teacher 1 (Whispering to another teacher): Did he just… did he just say all that?

Teacher 2: I… I think so. I can't believe what I just heard.

(The school principal, who was sitting in the audience, quickly walks towards the stage. He looks visibly upset.)

Principal: Officer! Officer, could I have a word with you, please? Now.

(The D.A.R.E. Officer nods slowly and steps off the stage to meet the principal. The students continue to murmur and look around, some with wide eyes, others with grins.)

Principal (To the Officer, in a hushed but stern tone): What in the world was that? That was completely inappropriate and against everything the D.A.R.E. program stands for!

D.A.R.E. Officer (Quietly): Sir, with all due respect, I can't keep doing this. I don't believe in it anymore. These kids deserve the truth, not fear-mongering.

Principal: The truth? You just told them… well, never mind. Your resignation is accepted, effective immediately. I'll be in touch with your department.

(The principal turns back to the students, looking flustered.)

Principal: Alright everyone, that… that was certainly unexpected. We’re going to end the assembly here. Please return to your classes in an orderly fashion.

(As the students begin to file out, some are still talking about the speech.)

Student 3: That was the craziest thing I've ever seen in an assembly.

Student 4: I know, right? He just quit on the spot! And what he said about the old D.A.R.E. stuff… my older brother always said that was BS.

Student 5: He's probably going to get in so much trouble. But honestly? He kind of had a point.

(The D.A.R.E. Officer is seen talking briefly with the principal before gathering his belongings and leaving the auditorium. The teachers are left trying to process what just happened and maintain order as the students exit.)