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this is a compilation of thoughts i've had over the past few days, i might delete this i can just smell the autism coming off me, especially the autism; i am so cringeworthy, childish, and a total character -- and i don't mean i'm 'quirky' or 'interesting,' or, well, actually, i am that second thing, but like an anti-interesting interesting. i'm an artist, sure, i'm neurodivergent which makes me inherently divergent, i've got solid politics, a backstory, but you know all that as soon as you meet me, because i'm so open and i can't not be, which means that i am what it says on the label; a cartoon. a cartoon man. i'm not real, in the same way other people are. i'm interesting in the same way that you can be interested in a piece of art itself; i feel stuck, static, flat, yeah. and too much. i feel like too much, for myself, for everyone. i have always been told i'm too much, i'm a lot, wow, that all sounds like a lot. and it is, oh god, believe me, it is. the people i love, i should be punished for what i have done to these people. i think it would be moral and awesome if i were physically hurt very badly for what i have done to the people i love. i don't think anyone else should feel this way about themselves, to be clear. but i want you to understand that while i may not be actively hurtful, my very presence is hurtful. this is something i have learned. people run away. they get scared. not of me being violent, but of me being...myself. being open, and friendly, and flat, but also simultaneously overbearing, overwhelming, too much. and it is entirely off the table to ask someone i love to be the person that stays and casts this impression i have of myself aside as they do so, because i cannot expect or believe i'm owed anything, much less...love. care. whateverrr. that's been instilled in me, especially at the rehab i went to, nobody owes me anything. politically speaking, i still believe people owe each other, actually, i disagree with them in that way, but me, no, i'm not people, i'm way too much and way too little and way too entitled to be people. i can't possibly imagine reaching out to someone effectively asking them to care about me and not feeling guilty for it. i can absolutely imagine punishing myself for even thinking of asking
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Philosophy101
I fail to see how this has anything to do with Catholicism or not being raised Catholic.
there's a frequent joke, among people who know religion, as i have seen, at least, that being Catholic makes you associate punishment with pain and pain with penance and penance with forgiveness and forgiveness with pleasure
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
That seems like a very weird way of understanding the Catholic's perspective on suffering. I guess from the outside it may look that way. But the way Catholics view suffering is different.
First, there are different types of suffering.
1st type I'll explain would be the common suffering/pain everyone is familiar with. Such as stubbing your toe, stomach flew, being wronged by another, etc.
While yes, we can associate this to punishment, as Catholics, we typically offer up our pain as a prayer. While this does not mitigate the pain, it gives it purpose and allows us to grow closer to the Lord.
2nd type would be religious persecution.
Being a devote Catholic means that you will be persecuted throughout your life for it. Sometime it can be minor, such as being made fun off, insulted, ostracized, fired, etc. Or it can be more major, such as being tortured, enslaved, raped, and killed. No matter the severity, we Catholic are greatly honored by it, for to be persecuted for our faith allows us to fully commit to it, to be able to give our life to God.
Matthew 5:10-12
Blessed are those who are persecuted in the cause of uprightness: the kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
Blessed are you when people abuse you and persecute you and speak all kinds of calumny against you falsely on my account.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven; this is how they persecuted the prophets before you.
While this topic can get deeper, these two ways of viewing pain are the most common simple explanations.
by Philosophy101; ; Report
uhh.......bro, i was LOL'ing and you serious'ed
by benny // whalefall; ; Report