The way confidence comes and goes

By me, Nana

Honestly, this post is going to be kind of emo (Not the fashion style, but as a way of calling it depressing) So, most of my blogs recently are just me venting because, God knows, I have no one to vent to. Sure, I have friends I could technically vent to, but why give them that bother? Everyone has their own problems, their own stuff to worry about, so why give them another on top of that? I have a boyfriend; I could vent to him. I'm supposed to vent to him, he's my boyfriend, the guy I'm supposed to feel comfortable talking with but what if by showing him how insecure I truly am, I scare him away? What if he decides, I'm too much to deal with? I hate everything, i say it a lot, I'm aware; but I truly do despise a lot of things. The thing that I absolutely hate, without a doubt, is myself. I hate everything about me, and it feels like if I talked to someone about this, they wouldn't get it. "Oh, but you're so pretty, why would YOU be insecure?" Everyone sees themselves differently, how you see yourself won't be the same way, someone else seems you, I know; but I can't like myself. It's weird, because sometimes my ego will be off the fucking roof and I will think I look cool and idk, sexy, I guess? The other times, I'll just hate how I look and want to break every forsaken mirror in my room. I think about an hour ago, after I finished doing my makeup, I felt like the most confident person ever, I thought I looked attractive enough to post it on my Instagram, I couldn't take a single photo because the more I looked in the mirror and in my phone's camera, I slowly just started to pick out every small imperfection. I'm so ashamed of how I look, I can't handle jokes or criticism to save my life, God knows that they stick with me. If I think I look attractive on my mirror, my camera will prove me wrong, it will just be an endless cycle of hating how I look and randomly getting a confidence boost, only to just humble myself in the end. You know, there's this one lyric from a song (that I forgot the name of) 

"I always feel like I'm the worst, so I always act like I'm the best."

Which, for the most part, is very true. A lot of people who know me, just see me as this confident and honestly, egotistic person who all she wants to do is stare at herself in the mirror, and honestly, I'm okay with people seeing me that way because it's better than what kind of person I actually am. I can't stare into the mirror for too long because I start to hate myself and whenever I take pictures where I just look so so confident, it took me like 30 pictures and deleting all of them expect one that somehow looked decent enough. I hate my smile, so freaking much. I hate seeing it in pictures or videos that other's take of me, it's so disgusting to look at. I don't understand how anyone has ever actually complimented my smile, like... are you lying or just have horrid taste? Actually, I can't handle any pictures/videos in general that other people take of me because I always look so, ugh. Maybe if I tried hard enough, drank more water, I would be healthier and maybe actually start to like myself more, maybe if I cut sugar or something? But, until I actually can go through with something, I will stick with just crying myself to sleep at 4am.