isn't growing up scary?

before i went to bed and until this morning, i was thinking about a lot of things. again. 

i looked in the mirror and thought - i guess this is how it's supposed to be. i would be turning 18 very soon this summer, and the next college yr in college would be my last, after which i planned to look for a job and think about the future

but what is the future? what does it consist of? what is it like to grow up and be an adult? what does it mean to be an adult? this question hasn't left me since i was 15. a lot of things happened in that time, but i lived in fear. fear of growing up.

and even in all social networks i wrote in the description: “eternal teenager”, and i sincerely thought that in my soul i will always be so and i will live a carefree life forever. and honestly, in some ways, i even managed to slow that process down. i sincerely lived and counted from 15 to 16 yrs, that i am still 13-14 at heart, i am a little fun and a little infantile girl, and that it's just my thing and everything (naive) 

but one unforeseen event happened. this college yr on november 9, i woke up in the morning with the feeling that it was my birthday (my birthday in the summer) and i had just turned 15. i really dk who told me that, but my spirits felt that way :/

and so here goes. about adulthood and all that. i've been reflecting and realized that i'm not afraid of growing up at all. all these yrs i've been afraid to let go of my “teenage” activities and hobbies. i really honestly thought it would all stop once i grew up and started "boring gray adult life with a mountain of work and responsibility" (most of u reading who are older than me are probably laughing rn at this, but i really was so stupid, hahaha)

the next jolt of realization was that i made a very cool internet friend who said and says some really smart things that u really want to think about. he's really changed my mind about a lot of things and it's nothing short of amazing. everything between us pushes me to strive for more and grow together. i hope we can do that 

and yet, growing up is not scary and it's not worth being afraid of mistakes, because that's what makes us human and eventually personal (´･ᴗ･ ` )

but of course, there will always be a place in my heart for that teenage girl Dmirl, but it seems that now my life is changing a little bit and sometimes new life challenges and their solutions slip through. and hopefully in the end i can become a complete person and find happiness with someone i care about

and honestly at times i have had dreams about having a daughter. when i think about it i feel a little sad that she's not in the world yet and i feel a sense of emptiness, but i'm sure that one day this little cutie will be running around laughing and calling me mom..)

ohhhh, while i was writing this i cried a little, but i think it's totally normal. emotions are our essential part

and thank u to whoever got to this point. it means a lot to me and maybe to u