sunshine girl

i didn’t understand my feelings for her. i still don’t, and now i know i never will.

i saw her as the sun rising against the ocean, and, oh, i’ve been a deep-sea fish my whole life. i’d never loved a girl before. i’d never been so burned. we never even got into a relationship. 

we loved eachother, but in different ways. why must i put people on pedestals? why do girls flirt with friends? when will i see a light that is my own to keep? always i must just be the odd friend. 

she told everyone close to her about me. she had a section on pinterest dedicated to things that reminded her of me. i told her things i’d never dared tell anyone else. i fear i may never have felt as special before. i was comfortable. 

i am a deep-sea fish, and i fell for her, hook line and sinker. i didn’t recognize that the pressure of being reeled up from the depths would make me unrecognizable. 

reader, i’m sure you are familiar with the blob-fish. look up how it looks before and after being drudged up from the depths.

that is how i feel.

i’ve been fished up, but she ate another fish— fell in love with a boy— and my mind, my body.. it hurts.

and i have no right to hurt. if i love her, why would i be hurt that she’s happy? why did i text her last night that i had to go?

being a coward, i deleted my individual instagram account after that. i didn’t even tell her i loved her so; i simply told her i was unhealthily attached, and that she deserved stabler friends than i.

this was all me. i bit the hook.

      —ouroboros.