FIRST SEX, FIRST LOVE

Diary entry: 1

I snuck a boy in to my house, around 12am, after randomly adding him back on snap and chatting briefly. He seemed chill so I told him we should kick back. I sat on the curb of my street waiting for him to rock up, while we stayed on the phone talking about random shit. When he trotted through the wet football oval he said it felt like he was camping again, and that he had just come back from a couple days of a trip. I put on a subtle flare grey pant, and a tight white top. He asked what cars were near me, and I felt that it was a useless question, but I answered "there's a low red car on my left." He then answered "Is there a white ute behind it?" Surprised, I looked to my side and there it was. "yeah haha". "I can see it, can you see me yet?" "no, where are you ?" "up on the hill"

After a couple of minutes I seen his head pop out from the high hill road, trotting down with a scooter bunched up in his arms. I smiled. I opened the gate as slowly as possible, and told him to hide the scooter at the side of the house. He came in, it was a little awkward but I was enjoying the moment. I liked his face. And he was super tall, like he said. He had told me before he was around 6ft. We chatted and watched netflix, a car transformation show and ted 2. As we chatted, I now knew his whole name, which I would remember due to the simplicity of his last name; Lachlan Widderick. I also found out he was a year above me, attending Toolooa high. 

We first met at a party celebrating my Ex's and his brother's Bailey's birthday, though neither of us have a clear image of each other from that night. From there, he added me off the party's group-chat, and I snapped him back. He asked me if I was Brian's ex, to which I said yes. At first I thought he was trying to set me up, but after a while of chatting and a call, somehow the subject of him coming over came up. I joked that he should sneak into my house. And he did, rocking up with a small, foldable back scooter on his left side, trotting down the steep road at 12 in the morning. We watched Netflix, awkwardly chatting about life, until we went into my room to crash, made-out a bit, then fell into a hearty sleep.

 In the morning we kissed and touched, and throughout the next days we grew closer, he took me out on a date at Café 63, littered me with compliments, then we went to the public pool to have a swim, where we also made out. He gave me a hickey on the left of my neck and on my right breast. That was the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. We started dating, and he slept over consecutively. All we did was cuddle, play games, watch movies or make out. During one of the days I had arrived home from work, and he showed me an eyebrow slit he gave himself, as well as mentioning that he accidentally cut himself and got blood on by brow blade. I didn't take much notice. But it didn't take long to find the long cuts littered across his arms. It shocked me and I kept asking if he was ok. He said he was feeling down, something about his mum, but that he was fine now. 

I found it odd, or I didnt really know what to think of it. He ended up tagging along to a family trip to Gold Coast for 3 days. 60% of the trip was driving in a squishy Kia carnival, both of us separated by the baby-seat holding one of my twin brothers, but at least we were wearing matching hoodies. I developed a bit of a taste of his character, honest, soft, open, but still modernly cold. I couldn't tell if his eyes were of love or lust, though I didnt mind TOO much. If I had to guess, around this time, it was a mix of both. Once we arrived there, we both crashed early.

 The second day we roamed around the hotel resort, looking for the pools, or anywhere to have some fun. We left to do some shopping. First place was a Japanese import store called Japanache, one I had been waiting to visit for a while. He seemed quite bored while I browsed the old antiques, kimonos, cushions. The prices were a bit high for my allowance of $150, so I called my mum to pick us up. She was looking at a duplex or something in the area, so she couldn't pick us up for the next 10 minutes. We went outside, sitting across from each other. I was vaping and scrolling through my phone. I remember he kept poking at me, and we were playing around, and some old lady saw us while she was walking by. When my mum arrived, I bought a $50 floor cushion, with the intention of using it for drawing or something. It was a nice pink, with a small embroidery of cherry blossoms. Then we headed to Robina, because my parents were keen on eating at a certain restaurant there, despite my overly-expressed desire to go to Pacific Fair.

 When we got there I slipped into the bathrooms to take a puff. I was abusing it for the next 5 minutes as-well, waiting near the escalator for Bryce to get back from the car. We held hands. At the restaurant, I didnt get anything but some sort of Yakult and mango drink (it was very yummy), and Lachlan ordered a pork dish with a tonic (it was gross). Before we were served food, I went on a little detour with him to find something I felt like eating. I settled on a small sushi store, where I got a beef and cucumber? sushi roll. He paid for it. And when we were done with the restaurant, we walked around this big shopping center, where I dragged him across different stores. He seemed a bit sick of it, but I definitely wasn't. We came to this modern men's clothing store, that impressed me with their aesthetically pleasing selection of clothes. But as I kept browsing, I noticed that the fabric was very dense (meaning I couldn't wear it, because it would make me look, well, wide) and the initial fondness of the designs started to fade. He kept mentioning how ridiculous the pricing of them were. I decided to use my last 100 on something for him, so I asked him to pick out his favourites, most if all being some sort of NBA or baseball shirt. After I pinched a shirt, we went to Nike, where we chatted about our splitting opinion on "techs", and I spotted Nike pro shorts. I asked him if he could buy them for me, and he agreed. When we got back home, we went to the cinema's where they were streaming "17 again". Us being the only one's in the few rows of seats there was, I vaped as much as I want, he flirted, trying to get me on his lap, we made out. I slipped his hands up my jumper but I got embarrassed because though it was dark, there was a camera. I was enjoying the movie, but I had to get back to the unit since I was meant to babysit from 5. Babysitting went relatively smoothly (despite Damian smashing a glass), and the multiple failed attempts of hopping in the spa because the same family kept hoarding it. 

Around 7pm I mouthed to him "I want to do it." He widened his eyes. What did you say? Are you sure?.. So around 12pm, we took a bath together, then headed to the bedroom we were sharing. We undressed, he fingered me (way too roughly, like he was inexperienced, despite him having a body-count of 7) and he told me to go on top because it would hurt less. I was a little scared, a little excited but most of all I felt a lingering sadness. When it was going in it was slow and sore. When it was in, I was trying to get used to it, and it felt just like a bad period cramp. It hurt the most the more I tried to go straight up. after I got used to it a little, we went to missionary where he thrusted gently. I noticed the more he used his hips the more it would hurt. after about 30 seconds, I felt something running down. I got scared. "I think I'm bleeding" He pulled out quick, and sat there quietly. I told him to turn the lights on. I was so scared. But when i touched the liquid it was sticky and white, so I just started to laugh. "oh, you just came". Then it hit me, that he just came inside of me without any protection. The fear came back, and I asked him why he didn't pull out. He looked ashamed and embarrassed, and quietly he said "I tried to". I nervously smiled at him. Then I licked it, because I was curious how it tasted, and for some reason I thought he would find it hot, or it would brighten up the mood. He got grossed out lol. A few moments after I kept saying how I didn't want to be pregnant, and that I was scared, because I was. He cracked a joke saying at least he will have someone calling him daddy (an inside joke because I made fun of him for having a kink for being called daddy), and we went back and forth with jokes, but he had such a depressing face that it killed the mood. I said I was going to go wash up, so I left him in the room. When I was washing up, I felt a sense of a deep sadness but mostly disconnection. I thought sex wasn't such a big deal people made it up to be. These feelings weren't disappointment, but a reflex I felt when I get close with people. When I came back, he was tired and refused to kiss me because of the earlier affair. He said "What a bad way to lose your virginity" almost apologetic. I said I really didn't care, and tried to reassure him subtly. "I came quick because I've been wanking a lot" "ok, so stop wanking then" I laughed. "I'm disappointed. I thought it was because you thought I was hot" "aw well obviously that too" he said annoyed, like I was pointing out the obvious. That made me feel better. He looked so sad. We went to bed, but not even 3 minutes in, I heard Damian starting up. I picked him up, to which he stopped crying momentarily, but when I placed him on to my bed he began full on screaming, looking around (presumably searching for mum.) For the next hour this baby screamed at the top of his lungs, as I hushed him and patted him desperately in my parent's room. I kept trying to think of what to do, because I was a bit ashamed to be dealing with this with my boyfriend trying to sleep in the room beside this one, as well as the fear that one of the people may complain about the noise, and find that I am looking after children without my parents present. I pulled out my phone and prayed, opening up youtube and searching for kid's car videos. It worked. When his soaked eyes met with those bright ass primary colours, they locked onto the screen, and he was quiet, to which after a long fight, he fell asleep within minutes. I laid beside him until mum and Bryce came back, which was round 3am, then I went straight to bed.