Sober struggles

The hardest part of sober living wasn’t getting off drugs. It’s the clear head after you kill the dragon. 

I sit with a clear head and think of horrible selfish things I’ve done and ugly ways I treated people I loved and cared for. I can’t fix it, I can’t take it back. It’s brutal because I have no where to run or substance to abuse to get my mind off it. I have to sit with it. 

I have to sit with it. I have to sit with it. 

My friends forgot me and my lovers grew to despise me. I told him I was sorry and regret everything but that he was better off without me because of what I’d became. He was disgusted by my presence and my love. I have nothing to do with this. I cry and sit with it. 

If I wanted absolution I’d go to a priest. I’m not really sure what I do want or expect besides maybe I wish I could fix all my wrongs and be the decent person I was meant to be. I can’t change the past. Sorry isn’t enough. And some days it’s so brutal to sit with it.