some lines, sometimes

I think there is beauty in the way we talk, the way we move, the way we perceive and the way we exist. I think when I look around and I see him, I can't help but admire his every move. the small giggles in between his breaths, the sound of his laughter filling a room. the small accent that slips out in his voice when he's been talking too long and you only just barley notice it. the way he skips around when he walks, and walks in stride with such a innocent, naive confidence. the way he doesn't need to know everything, and how he looks when he is slouched over falling asleep at the desk, into the palm of his own hand. wishing I could see myself with such beauty too, but I know if I could see myself in 360° I would only be ashamed and embarrassed by what I see. ultraviolet blue. but I've started to not care, I started to wear my hair free of restriction and grow my nails long again. to live in my own little world, a bubble that no one bothers to pop. I don't mind being the observer, the beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all. but to be the trophy that is so longingly valued and commended is such a strong desire only anyone could admire. I configure a puzzle of my life, and it seems I lost all the pieces, flipped over under the coffee table. when I wonder why I'm like this I doubt myself. but I still victimize myself within the critique of others. I'm a very insecure person, I cannot handle myself. I want to think about the things that I love. the smallest things I only ever notice so often, like thinking. I love thinking, while looking out a car window driving across a road you have known your whole life only letting your conscious start the conversation. the possibilities within a single pencil, that so many break and take for granted. the opportunities missed by a simple decision, of a butterfly effect of what you may never know. well I can't say I love that, but it's an interesting thought. I was taught to not question authority, but it only aggravated me further. I was always an obedient, quiet student. but I wasn't quite the same in my head. I could open my mouth and be snappy around those who knew me, but I wouldn't dare of those I couldn't trust. too scared to have any confidence. too young to have any tolerance. so my contradiction lies in my life, still. like water on a river without movement. only what is underneath the surface can you see the true beauty within me. I don't think the outside is very appealing, it doesn't fool anyone. I feel often times I'm misunderstood, but coming across the right person I'm clear as glass. I'm fragile, but when I break I make a noise, I fight it but I still shadder like anyone else. I don't know if there is a point or meaning to such a poem, it's far too long without any structure. I don't mind. I have a mind-splitting headache, though it causes me pain, my brain remains the same. rhyming can be so cruel, so beautiful. it's a useful tool, only within the knowledge of life. but it cannot be measured by a single rife. I hold so many burdens, I hold so many regrets, and live with so many grudges, my head is a crowded - cluttered space. my body wrapped in black lace, a necklace tied around my neck. I will hold it against my will until i take a break. so many words to say, such little time, I don't wanna write them anymore. I'm going to sleep now, says Daisy Randone. I'll live life alone. like a rolling stone by Bob Dylan. I love references wholeheartedly, small or big. it doesn't matter. connections between movies and shows, between people and each other. let love lead the way, if it brings you through sorrow drag me along with you. I'll stay anyway.