Order Through Pain

the Buddhists believe that suffering is an inherent part of life. they believe that suffering is coming from attachment and craving. life is encompassed by suffering, dissatisfaction, physical and emotional pain, impermanence. the only way to end this cycle is to follow the noble path. Since everything is constantly changing, any attachment to things, people, experiences, comfort, etc, can only lead to suffering. to dethatch from attachment, Buddhists meditate.

there are, of course, more things involved with this, but that's the basics.

growing up, we were told we deserved the abuse we faced. we were not seen as even human to our abusers, and sometimes, they acted as if we weren't a living thing at all. The brainwashing, the control, the things they did to us and the things they made us do, it all had a reason. we eventually got really good at dissociating, but also looking alive for them, but that is a story for a different time.

the first idea was that it can't last forever. eventually, it stopped, even for a moment. Just breathe. get through it. don't cry. "it won't last forever" was our first mantra. we would first repeat it to ourself like a prayer during the torture sessions, and then when alone, during... episodes.

we were too young when they started to call them psychotic episodes, but I wouldn't know what else to say. at some point, we stopped just laying there. we would scream, thrash, lash out, even when they hit us again. they subdued us with drugs, alcohol, kept us on a leash- "it won't last forever."

but even the outbursts seemed planned. i don't want to admit what we did. we were a child. but we were angry, scared, hurt. the other child in front of us was weak. they used us. this was our purpose. this is what it all led to.

Order Through Pain.

our abusers used us as a scapegoat. a dog. a toy. an experiment. we were their perfect soldier. never sleep unless told to, and even then it was light. they couldn't have suspected the psychosis that this led to, but it didn't matter. We never reacted to the hallucinations. It was easy. endure the pain, do what they say. survive. 

we were trained well. trigger words and phrases. Alters that exist solely to control the system members for them. and we all believed it was for a purpose. we never believed our abusers were justified, i don't think, but we definitely needed to survive. we saw what happened to kids that didn't respond to the training.

Order Through Pain.

at the end of 2018, we entered a prodromal stage that was characterized mainly by religious delusions. it was a steep, slippery slope. snowballed into an intense, year long episode. 

Buddhism was huge in this. here and there, Catholicism. but we desperately wanted, needed, for our experience to mean something. to be worth something. we didn't know we had DID at the time.

the idea that our life-long suffering, the loss of our comfort, our safety, was leading to something, was alluring. we began to believe the dissociating was a deep meditation. we started to meditate, and that was the first time we started a basic level of actual communication with alters. of course, we believed this was an internal self, or something heavenly. we purged almost everything from our life. we accepted the pain, accepted the abandonment. accepted the losses.

we broke, entirely, in November in 2019. in the hospital we were finally diagnosed.

order through pain.

blog post by Lucifer