Allow Yourself to Rot

SOUND IN USE

I am glad, to be alive. I truly am. I'm grateful.

but ever so often, I get this urge to just let myself decay. feel my sanity rot and wither away. Sink into the ground and let the earth swallow me whole. 

It's happened to me before. It was forced upon me. I felt how my mind slowly turned on me. Seeing people that weren't there, encouraging me to follow them to whatever darkness they came from. And the people who were real, who tried to pull me back into the light, seemed like monsters in disguise. Some days, the feeling of having flesh, my flesh, was just so unbearable, and I would rip at my skin as if I were trying to release my own soul from its mortal confines. my heart would palpitate as if it wanted to escape too. I believed I was cursed, diseased, sick. And in some ways, maybe I was. I became different. No identity other than the chaos that was my fractured mental health. I was in hell for three years.

You don't just taste that kind of misery and come out unscathed. A part of you begins to long for it. Long to taste the intensity again. I know it's not right. It's not healthy. But what good is the thought of health when an addict craves their opioid.

I know now, that every day of my life, I'll have to make the active choice to fight the urge to let myself rot. To resist the temptation of giving in to madness. But maybe... sometimes.. I can stop fighting for a little while. 

Right?