★Words left unsaid

I'm hiba, 

Throughout my life I haven't had many friends at all. Maybe two or three something. Haidy is my friend, she's from another country far away but we both ended up as friends. She says I'm her sister from another mother and she also says that we both are so alike and the same.

Haidy told me once that she used to pray for a friend when she was younger and that her prayers were answered when I met her. I don't think I ever deserve to hear that really. She says I mean a lot to her and she talks to me a lot. I love to hear about how her days went, what she ate and any funny event that happened in her life. She talks to me everyday and I believe it would be too strange if one of us don't talk to the other for a while day. Impossible.

Haidy makes me feel like I am something. Even if she just takes me for a wall with ears, that's something to me. So I enjoy that feeling of knowing that whatever happens she will tell me. If not now then someday.

I am a person who's too hesitant. I never speak unless spoken to no matter how hard I try. I never reach out first. And it's not because I'm too proud of myself. It's because something in me believes that I'm not worthy of reaching out. For example If someone feels unwell or if someone cries, I will be too hesitant to ask if they are okay, to help them. Because the first thought that will cross my mind is who am I? Who do I think am I? If I go and help them they will probably think that I'm a nobody pretending to be concerned. I'm no-one to them I do not deserve to comfort them. I know that's not how it works but I can't get rid of these weird thoughts even though I know it all might not be true. I think I am so disgusting but at the end of the day I am a human too. But still something in me believes that I'm just disgusting, the worst that has been on earth. 

This is one of the main reasons I do not have friends. I often get told I am boring because I am too quiet and never have opinions on anything. I will listen to you but never share back. I will comfort you only when you come to me. I will never approach you. 

So to me, it is a big convenience that haidy -when facing a problem- talks to me first. So I comfort her and try to make her feel better the best I can. Only to fuel my obsession with the feeling that I am something. 

To be completely honest, I never liked listening. I still don't. If only I could speak my mind and for once believe that I wouldn't be disgusting for talking first. But that's the least of the concerns of other people. By this I mean that I wish to talk like others too. But then again. That something in me says that who do I think I am to just go around sharing my problems with someone? They don't have to bear with my issues and my negativity. So just like that I feel trapped in a shell. 

Because of this all day long my mind makes up conversations with people, things that I wanted to say but never did, words left unsaid. 

Whoever gives me slightest of attention, I'd spend hours talking to them in my head. To the point that even in my sleep, my mind is awake keeping the conversations up. So I often wake up with a headache or feeling like I haven't had a tiny bit of sleep. The conversations are just all about me speaking, blabbering whatever I had ever wanted to say, to that person who gave me the attention. 

I am used to people misinterpreting my actions and intentions. I have been wronged so many times and I just feel alien. I try my best to do what i think is ethical and try to fit in.

I do wish people would ask about me sometime. Like how am I, what did I do today just like that. And I also wish to be able to openly reply to them. 

Sometimes haidy does ask about me. She says "HOW ARE YOU" but it feels like a formality. Because most of the times it's just when the conversations dried out. Other times she asks but the topic is immediately changed and I believe it is solely and completely my fault because she did indeed ask about me but it was me who decided to say "I'm good what about you" to divert the topic from me to her in the first instant. 

So just like that, I talk to haidy about myself all day long in my head. Everytime I sit idle I would be talking to her. Maybe continuing some broken conversations, making up her responses on my own and just speaking speaking speaking endlessly. So sometimes I go to her and tell her that she's such a big part of my life. 

But it's tiring. Truly tiring because I can never seem to make space in my mind to think of anything else. In fact maybe I do this whole thing because I do not want to think about anything else. 

I talk about all my problems to the haidy in my head continuously but I wish I stop. I can't seem to but I wish the haidy in my head would cut me off and make me feel so bad that I'd stop on my own. Because I want to sleep nicely too. I don't love her. 

I want to be normal.