stream of consciousness

john e dowling is fantastic at writing im reading understanding the brain n i LOVE it

i started reading it a couple months ago but now im actually reading a bunch at once rather than sporadically, also im putting sticky notes on pages i wanna write notes on. i like to read it for enjoyment first, then solidify the information with the next read and involve studying. 

im slowly writing smthing (book?) and topics such as psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, sociology, and many more are all contributing to the thesis of the piece. this book fits perfectly into the research needed to back the claims, its also one of my favorite subjects 

im interested in the beauty and empirical truths of pretty much any subject but its hard to dedicate my time to everything im fascinated by so i gotta choose the things im most enthralled by. 

psychology has been one of my deepest interests, yet for the longest time it was not honed through research per se; as young as i could remember i studied the people around me to gain an understanding of everything, myself and humans being the main factors in this quest to analyze the whole world. 

so due to this innate process of analysis humans were the main source of brain processing - therefore, a link to psychology is made with my subconscious. 

psychology is something innately apart of humans, our affinity for it may differ based on an individual basis, though overall humans are evolved to predict and analyze others behaviors. we recognize patterns, and discern whether something is typical or atypical. i just have an unusual affinity and obsession for it due to my neurodivergence. being autistic my whole life, but not knowing, until 21 caused some incredibly difficult life altering views that changes the way my thoughts developed from a young age. 

so this equation includes my - constant analyzation processing + a young/confused developing brain = very inaccurate assumptions about myself and the world 

i thought: if someone is studying the people around them constantly in order to inform themselves how to interact with others, they must be a manipulative and dangerous individual. i was a child so i had no idea i am autistic, if only i had known that i was simply working with my available knowledge, that i had much to learn - i was living within my own internal world no one saw besides me, it was consuming. but it is ok - i have navigated through my own internal hells during my life and accumulated insight through tribulations. i have evolved as a human and become better, i try to not only better myself but help the world around me in the ways that i can. 

although i did much to harm others during my troubled adolescence it has always been my goal to help others with use of my understanding of others and natural tendency to strive for objective truth. 

this passion has already had great significance in my life meanings/life goals but it became truly important when my best friend victor passed. on numerous occasions with vic in conversations we were having he’d tell me something to the effect of - i help him a lot with the knowledge i give him about himself and others and that id be able to help a lot of people. this sentiment always meant a great deal to me, coming from one of my most valued and cherished love one, it was incredibly meaningful. i admired victor, i think very highly of him so i took it as the utmost appraisal. 

little did i know as a child, my constant internal trials and determination to uncover the truths of my mind,  would pave the way for me to assist others in the future.

before i knew i concluded i must be a bad and dangerous human who has to suppress their behaviors and thoughts because it was understood internally that i differed from my surroundings - id get found out and ostracized for my horrible flaws 

so because i convinced myself of the bad person i was, and then in my preteens with rapidly increasing mental health issues i began feeding into these false perceptions of reality - altering my life by becoming a person i hate; this is no longer me, i have evolved from my own mistakes, yet the pain and misery of the past is not over internally. that is ok, but it must be acknowledged.

 this goes for many things, including suicidal ideation; i have not wanted to actively commit suicide since my last attempt in 2016 - though i still have experienced many passive thoughts and contemplations/intrusive thoughts of death a suicide since then, i would say even more so since last year when victor passed. 

well i think my brain has offloaded enough for now lmao!! im proud of myself for making so much of my internal world tangible in one sitting. one step at a time. thank you for taking the time to read :) i hope whoever reading can have a wonderful moment