I suck at relationships (its my fault)

I know I haven't made a blog in a while(like u care lolz) when I do these I feel like a kid again pretending to be a YouTuber T-T but I broke up with my boyfriend and he took it really well and were still friends (I went to his house 4 days after we broke up lmao) and his mom still likes me so that's cool. my friend is sad because she wanted a two man and I guess we look cute tg? but I cant control my feelings and force myself to like him :'( but I also felt so guilty when I was with him, it was overwhelming ー_ー` especially because at night I would think/dream ab my ex or when my friend and her boyfriend would be holding hands or other couple stuff and I couldn't bring myself to do it so I broke up with him and started talking to my ex again and this is where I sound like a horrible person ((again)I lowk am tho) when I started talking to him it was fine until I got annoyed because he's lowk annoying T^T and I guess this made me realize I romanticize people too much because I remembered before I moved to Washington I was gonna break up with him but he did it first (in a weird ass way) because I would never respond to him (bc again, annoying) so we haven't been talking that much except for when he texts me saying "I want to talk to you but I don't know what to say" or "when can u call next" (I don't call people as much as I used to) and I guess I can use the excuse that I don't wanna b long distance (I survived an 8 month online relationship barley calling) but now I'm just a third wheel to my friends relationship which is fine bc their really cute but I want what they have I want real genuine love which I haven't found since him but we don't talk ab him (yes I do) but I guess that's it BAI

-ʚBɞ