The Ultimate April Fools: Sorry Ass Cancer

So last year on xmas I found out that something has been growing inside of me and its not my Confidence. Turns out Gods twisted sense of humor is:

as the only present I received during that time.

I didnt have the luxury to mourn or process what's happening to me as everything moves too fast, too soon. 

As if its like a movie nearing its climax, I lost some of the very few people in my life that I'm very fond of, leaving me to be alone and isolated at my most vulnerable moments. As if it serves to remind me that time awaits no one.

I had to carry on with my life as if nothing's happened. Days goes by, some nights I keep myself awake knowing it could be the last time, some nights I'm secretly hoping that it would be my last time for good.

Some days I feel like drowning, metaphorically and physically. I feel sluggish, weak, and the sun hurts me like a dollar tree vampire. My bones aches, is what I imagine like how old people fuck. 

I have to entirely dependent on so many meds just to keep me somewhat still functioning that my sweats has been smelling like hospitals.

I didnt and wont ask for much, one thing I'm familiar with is that there is no rock bottom, things can always gets worse. I just wished I had spent a little bit more time doing things that I liked, things that matter to me, things that define me as a person. I wished I was a little less colder, little less bitter, little less punishing.

Living on Borrowed Time (not a dbd reference) made me realize that I somehow have more things to lose, you just cant win sometimes. This shit the equivalent of getting dropped off right infront of the gate, tbagged, and dragged you back in after you tasted the air of freedom when you tried to crawl out of the gate.