misery

hi guys i wanted to share my experience with being miserable!!

omg this thing has held me back from so many things over the years and i kinda feel like im free from it now. 

my anxiety stemmed from the thought people judging me and perceiving me the wrong way. this ate me inside out for as long as i can remember and the reason why is that i think its because i was very judgemental to other people in my mind and assumed everybody thought like me. when u get consumed by how u look to other people you dont develop any real personality and live in the miserable hole u created in your mind hating everybody but mostly yourself. the ego, jealousy and hatred are never a good mix and with a weirdly conscious self awareness, it feels like you are watching yourself drown unable to do anything. i used to care way too much on how i looked and behaved yet hated my every feature all while trying to help myself. it didnt work, i couldnt do all those things all at once which left me shocked. during this i was so jealous of my peers having a perfect while i was like this. i had an unhealthy obsession with one of classmate, she was pretty, popular, great personality but i couldnt admit that to myself and i tried finding things to hate on her for. i couldnt she was perfect and i started to think what would i do if i woke up as her and live that pitch perfect life. daydreaming and hoping. i felt bad for people who would look at me in the morning because i was probably the first person they saw that day , i looked down trying to hide my face because i didnt want to ruin anybody's day. i skipped countless classes crying in the bathroom and looking into the pocket mirror i had. i would do everything in that little stall i would eat my lunch and spend all my time there but i mostly stared into my reflection in my phone camera looking at myself. 

no matter how hard i tried it seemed like i couldnt break the cycle of this misery evden in little ways i wore the same hoodie even though i didnt like it. it felt like a tradition and if i change my way people would judge me even more. after a while the hatred and ugliness inside was showing up on my face even more and i looked horrible. i got more aware of my behavour and set up goal for myself and at the time it didnt seem like anything was changing but after trying to be better for 1 and a half year truly one day i just got over it. it was sudden but i realized i was not afraid to express myself in any way and just dont feel any shame or guilt for being me. i think the reason why i looked like another person from then to now is that seriously when u are a horrible person it shows up on ur face and u can just tell on anybody but when i do i cant help but feel bad for them because i know what it was like 

okay sorry if this doesnt make any sense i wanted to make this to like help people but like i have nothing else to say expect get over ur ego so now this is just me telling my story