☆ blog 3: Friend birthday, Loneliness, art, loser life...☆

Helloooo!! It's been SO LONG since I've updated you all!!! how have you been? have you been eating well? we got to catch up!
Honestly, I don't have much to say about what I've been up to. Lately, life just seems boring and wothless, all I see is people fighting each other and stuff, AI is taking over and I've barely gone outside the house... Thanfully the past two days I spent them with my best friend and... well, he and his family are basically my only friends. The other two friends I have I haven't seen them since the last blog.
I had fun at my bestie's house, we played very stressful games! sadly, the road home flooded and I had to sleep at his house. He seemed very tired so I didn't bother him a lot, he hanged out with his other friends the day before who he probably had a much better time with. I don't even know why we're friends, he clearly doesn't like me, yet he still hang out with me. Does he feel sorry for me because I don't hang out with people and I'm too scared to go out? probably. After we hung out and I went to sleep in the guest room, I didn't get any sleep because the anxiety kept me up, I just kept overthinking about every little thing I could've gotten wrong and how they hate me now... I felt horrible, I really thought I was gonna relapse once I got home but thankfully my emergency medication helped a lot.

I know it may seem like my mental health is really bad from the last section, but I've actually been doing extremely well. I'm 4 months self harm free and I came back to school after I dropped out as a teenager. I'm 21, I'm super late to finishing school but I'm doing it. My biggest regret ever was leaving school, I am decided to finish it this time!
School has been going well, I don't really talk to anyone but also nobody hates me, which is enough for me to be happy.
I just mind my own business and don't talk to anybody, my teachers love me though! and I do really well in school! I'm a good boy yes yes.

Today I almost fainted at the pharmacy, we passed by it to get my medication before going to my grandma's. the combination of the anxiety because of the amount of people there, the emergency medication and the fact that I've been sick for around 2 weeks was enough to almost make me faint... So I had to lay down in the disgusting floor!!! I got something to drink and I was better, so I think in the end what was causing me most trouble was the dehydration...

Oh yeah, I've been sick for 2 weeks... I've lost 3 kilograms because of it and I'm uncomfortable all the time, but it's nothing serious thankfully! very thankful for that.
My grandma's sickness in the other hand... it just keeps getting worse, we believe she is starting to go into the more advanced stages of her alzheimers. Thankfully my aunt from Mexico is visiting and helping us with taking care of her.

Art wise, I considered quitting for a long time! for a month! but now I'm back to art, here's some drawings I've done!
first two are drawings I did for my friend xXH0n3yW0lfXx on Newgrounds (and bluesky). First is their OC watermelon and second is their OC Toby!! third is a drawing of my OC gummi who is a very old OC that I had completely abandoned.



I'm gonna have to get used to having less time to draw now that I have classes, I really want to do well so I'll study a lot and draw less... but I still love art even though sometimes I really do hate it LOL!!

Dog update, the new dog has grown up A LOT!! but she has also calmed down a lot! so it's not nearly as stressful anymore :]
Life has been so quiet for me lately, it's enjoyable but also a little worrying. I can't help but think it's the calm before the storm! I hope things turn out alright.
I've been working on my relationship to God lately, I'm not the best christian out there mostly because I'm super progressive politically and a lot of christians don't like that, but my connection to God has really helped with my mental health and I love Him.

Lately I really want a boyfriend, everyone around me is dating but I've never had a boyfriend. It must feel so good to be someone's favorite person, to be loved so much, for someone to want to be near you... I've always longed to be accepted, to be wanted. I think if I were to fall in love it'd be addictive for me, I just want to be loved and I want to be insanely in love with someone! I want to hug and hold him, I want to tell him I love him and that I'll take care of him always. I want us to make mistakes together and make permanent changes to our lives, I want to forever become part of someone's story in a personal level. I'm so lonely, there'll never be a man who could love me. I'm the ultimate failure...
I was never interested in dating before, but lately I feel so behind everyone... I want to be a proper grown up.

Lately I've also been realizing I'm more autistic than I thought and it has made me more anxious about the way people perceive me, it's scary. Does anyone know how to mask better? I'm one of those people that can't mask at all...

I've been getting into emo and scene music way more deeply lately! I've always listened to more 'poser' music, so I've started doing more research about real emo and scene music and I love it! I still listen to alt rock though... Jeff buckley, radiohead and the strokes continue to dominate my most listened list.

Also I just wanna say, I REALLY LOVE MY PLUSHIES!! The weather is getting colder, the days are getting lonelier but when I get home I can just cuddle my plushies and I feel warm and loved again. Life is good, I can't complain. Thank you God.