To Rhen..

I don’t know how to start.. years ago we used to be best friends. We used to have contact every single day which wasn’t easy, because you live on the other side of the world.. but that distance never stopped us. This might look like my story about a lost relationship, but we never got that far. 

We used to have contact every single day. Or at least day for you, I stayed up my entire night for you, just to hang with you on the phone. And I stayed up with pleasure for you, just to see you a couple of hours a day.

You taught me so many things. There were a few bands we both liked when we first met each other, which bonded us, but you had so much more knowledge over music, it drove me insane. We made a playlist together where we shared our favorites together. You added so many 80’s-90’s punk/rock bands I never knew the existence of, I got obsessed over these bands. You have a local music venue located near you in Seattle, and you went there almost every single week. The Litterbox as the music venue was called always had these gothic rock/metal bands playing, and you loved sending me videos about these bands, because I make music myself too.

You knew how much I wanted to become a musician myself, and you supported me the most. Because of you I know that I want to become a musician, and I will be thankful forever. 

Those songs you put in the playlist we made together, I still remember the first time hearing them and thinking “This girl’s music taste is so incredibly good, she has got me obsessed over …”. Every single time I hear the song Red Flags, Long Nights by She Wants Revenge, my eyes start to tear, and my heart gets full filled with nostalgia. That song could’ve been ours, but that never happened.

Over the months we knew each other, I started to develop this feeling for you.. I couldn’t go to school without thinking of you. I’ve never felt like this before. I put on our playlist, and it felt like we were listening to each song together. At one point I couldn’t stop hiding it anymore. I just straight up told you that I liked you. You didn’t get mad at me, and you said you were happy for me that I liked you, but you were lesbian. I didn’t get sad, I didn’t get mad, I was just happy for you. It didn’t bother me.

You helped me every single day with my depression. I literally had 0 friends, I felt alone and unloved. My parents divorce haunted me still, as I wish stuff would be just “okay” instead of being “sh!T”. You were always there for me. You let me open up to you, and you actually tried to help me. As much as I appreciated what you were doing for me, I got used to the feeling of being alone, crying myself asleep, that it comforted me in some way.. 

As you’re reading this you probably think why the hell I would feel comfortable being alone and sad, and I don’t know why I felt like that back then, I just did. Around 6 months after we’d met each other, you asked me how I was feeling. Not just that day, but if I felt better after a few months. I said I felt a little better, but I didn’t know if I wanted to feel even better than I did at the point when you asked me, because I found comfort in my sadness.. We stopped talking about it and just went on with the rest of our night like we did every night. 

One last special thing happened that night. You asked if I remembered telling you that I liked you. “Of course” I said. You said that you lied about being lesbian, and that you had developed something for me too. My heart was fulfilled with excitement. I finally felt loved for once. We didn’t ask to be each other’s partner, we just liked each other.

Next day I woke up I woke up, and I wanted to message you immediately to say goodnight, because around the time I’d usually wake up, you’d go to sleep. However I couldn’t find your number anymore. You were gone. Not a single trace of you to be found. My heart started racing, because I had no clue what happened. I was devastated. I wanted to talk to you. Just you. The only way I would be able to see you would be with my picture of you. I had different pictures of you set as my wallpaper, but I had one special photo of you, which I stared at for hours that day. I didn’t eat, talk, and I didn’t even listen to music. 

It has been like 3 years since we’ve talked. Over the years I’ve deleted your photos, I’ve deleted your phone number and I’ve deleted our memories. At least I thought.. I haven’t thought of you in the past 3 years. I was just listening to my Spotify liked songs on shuffle mode, and Red Flags, Long Nights started playing. I got shivers. My world stopped. I started to cry immediately. I got overwhelmed by our memories. I have been for the past week since that song started playing again. I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know if I’m mad at you, or if I still love you. Without you I wouldn’t be where I’m at now. I’m part of 2 bands, my entire week is about making music. I can’t thank you enough. I just wish I could talk to you one more time, or even just stare at that one special picture of you. It’s lost now. It’s somewhere between crushed dreams and nothing.

Rhen I miss you. Where are you. Are you okay. I miss your purple dyed hair. I miss your music recommendations. I miss your comfort. I miss you. I’d give up everything to talk to you just one more time.