Diary - 30/03/2025

I decided to start a public diary because i think a lot of people struggle with similar mental health issues so it was really important for me to have a safe, anonymous place on the internet where i can be authentic. Social media is so fake, hopefully here i can help some people feel less alone and miserable ? And also venting feels good.

Woke up at 1pm, had a hard time getting out of bed but thankfully my girlfriend is here to help. I'm really lucky to have her in my life. Moving in with her helped me so much. I managed to eat something and take my meds, and then i went for a walk. It was kinda sad since it's sunday so all the libraries and thrift shops i like to hang out in were closed. So for some reason i ended up going to church. Now i wasn't really raised catholic or anything, i just went to mass with my grandma sometimes but yk i was never a huge fan of organized religion. There is something inherently manipulative and creepy that just never felt quite right to me. Plus the fact that i'm queer didn't really help me feel welcome in the community. But today i did end up entering this huge, beautiful cathedral right next to my new place. Churches always have such a strange effect on me, when i enter them i feel very calm but also a bit uneasy ? They uncomfortably comfort me. That's the only way i can put it lol.

I came back home feeling dizzy and had a big derealization crisis that lasted around an hour and a half. I just stayed sat in bed an tried to ground myself with various sensory activities like squishing plushies and smelling scented candles and plants from my sensory corner. To anyone struggling with dissociation or similar types of disorders i really recommend having a little emergency sensory kit of things that help you stay grounded. I mean, you do you ofc, but it's just something that really helps me personnally.

When i started to feel real again i booted up my laptop, put on some omori ost playlist and logged in here. I don't really know what to do now. That's one of my main struggles with depression tbh, i never know what i want and what i like. I'm just stuck in this state of constant boredom.