makeup and transness

I suspected I was trans when I was 10 but I never told anyone else than some close friends. When I began puberty and started experiencing physical changes I finally realized being trans was real and it was MY reality, so as my first response I tried to hide it. I started using makeup to fit in with my friends and women as a group. I bought lots of it, learnt to do basic looks and even liked how they came out. That's when I started doubting myself, being trans (binary or not) had been portrayed as rejecting anything that society tried to impose people of your agab, so why did I like makeup? 

Why did I like how I looked?

These thoughts started to make me even more dysphoric, along with the comments of the people around me when I wore even a tiny bit of mascara. Everyone called me feminine terms and focused on how FEMININE I looked compared to when I was a "tomboy". It felt like I was performing a role in my own life, like it wasn't me. So I stopped wearing makeup.

I stopped, not because I didn't ever like it. I loved it. It was something that allowed me to express myself further.

I am now percieved as a masculine person, which was my goal all along, but why can't I be masculine AND wear makeup? Why do I have to transition medically and be more physically masculine to fit in with cis guys who wear it? I have yet to find an answer to this, and I fear I won't ever be happy with it.