mindbreaking :0!!! [kinda vent!]

i've been researching about bipolarity lately and although i relate 100% with what people describe, i have a innate belief in me that you can't recognize what you're feeling otherwise it's fake

i think i may be psychotic and delusional lately, like heavily, but... idk? what if i just want attention somehow? what if i just want to feel special and not just crazy?

i despise talking about my feelings in general. it makes me feel cringe and idk vulnerable in a way it makes me feel judged automatically. anyways this is a diary that i can just throw my words into a vaccum.

at least lithium has been helping a lot in not acting on my urges. today i felt the immense need to cut my hand off (i'm not kidding) and the last time i felt this was when i last shmed and when i stapled my finger. so really i think it's great it's helping me not hurting myself but... it's easy to have this effect when i'm glued to my bed all day :D

also fuck this medicine is starting to kill my libido i was so happy it wasn't a common side effect when i first researched it kms now....

anyways :3 that's it, i'm really trying to understand myself better and dealing with things in a grounded way while i feel like my brain is trying to run away from my head and that everyone around me hates me.