34th to a friend

i can write for hours, i can write for days. a million different words but the same feelings. worry, anxiety, angst, fear, nervousness, love, uncertainty, isolation, alienation, sorrow. spiderland exemplifies the uneasiness in people. it exemplifies what it feels to be confronted by the great threat that is the unknown future. the greatest threat to all. and future's greatest adversary is who else but children. growing up seems like certain death. misery awaits! it feels like. when i listen to spiderland i can think back to me as a child. packed on a stage with all of my closest friends. waiting for the curtains to pull. waiting for the show to start. even so young i knew what it was like to feel your heart eating itself out of fear. i didn't care if i did a good job or if i impressed my parents and peers. all that mattered was getting it over with. despite that fear, i ended the day with a smile on my face. fear can eat you alive but you can build yourself up and conquer it. and there is no greater feeling than that. 

the strongest hook ive ever fallen victim to. once i hear it i can't go back. i'm here for the ride. and is this song a ride. turns, loops, bumps, and slow rolling into the steepest drop. i can only call this the best song ever.  good, morning captain. i wish i could meet him and shake his hand. he is a very formative man in my life. i relate to him like no one else. in my mind i've climbed those stairs. i've opened that door countless times and of course am greeted by the same empty house. i see my past self everywhere. i wish i could see him one last time. i want to show him what i've accomplished, and i want to see his reaction. but, what good would that do? he doesnt know me. and i know for a fact he would run. i'd scream, and i want to. i miss you so much. the life, the child who i was. 

the eerieness of the song makes this moment all so much more uncomforting. even when missing your past and thinking it's long gone you become that child you want to see in the mirror again. your knees buckle and your mind races. i've always been trying to find a way to make you happy. i'll make it up to you. by god, captain, it's far too late. your life has crashed and you've lost control. 

all my life my thoughts have been rooted in nostalgia. all my life i've missed you. all my life i've screamed and screamed into an empty house. no one will hear me. but, that's okay. this is growing up. what one must realize is that the child never leaves. they're always there, staring back. 

worrisome and ferocious. cheers ❤️