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Something that i've picked up is that i am strange and abrasive. I noticed when asking myself why i am so isolated. but i am just isolated. therefore the abrasiveness i diagnose myself with might just be presumption.
Since i've held this presumption for so long, i've started acting accordingly. Being cold and scared, unresponsive, and trying to cut out what i assume must be the bad parts of my persona. If there is a problem, it must be fixed. If the problem is 80% of my personality, which has formed over the last decade, then that must go too, obviously.
But now i'm left with an approximately 60% wide gap, and I am no one.
I looked at old pictures of myself, had to clear out google fotos for my email storage. My perception is skewed now, as anyones will be about themselves and the past, but i have the feeling that i knew who i was, or i at least knew myself. I had quirks, and I still have quirks, but now i feel scared of them as if they'll ruin my chance to socially interact. I was scared then too, but it was not this internalized? My fear was not aimed at my own behaviour, but at others.
I'm in uni now, or rather, i've finished my first semester and am now on break. School's starting soon. I wanted friends and to be liked and that made me so uncertain and insecure in myself. But, to assess this fairly, i was also in a new place with no social stability in that sense. I was or am panicked, because social stability and the certainty in myself that comes from that is actually something that took a long time to take in my life.
hmm.
I think i'm thinking too much about myself. But what else is there to think about, when it's just you? I'm excited to go back to uni and see the people there. And at volleyball. Everything is new at some point, meaning everything will become familiar too.
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