if i had nine lives ...

if i had nine lives i'd spend the first one drowning. feel the water seep into my lungs. stealing my oxygen and stripping my breath. maybe after i become unconscious, i'd find peace and no longer fear the ocean. i could spend the rest of my eight lives living by the water, living with no fears.

for my next two i'd spend each one with my parents. live in their shadows, learn their deepest secrets and listen to their regrets, just so i don't fvck up lives four through nine. i'll hold their hands gently and watch them take their last breaths.

in my fourth life i'll run away. i'll run away from myself, the person i cannot change because i'm still too naive to understand that i am all the things that are wrong with me. i'll chase butterflies and try to find myself. i'll look in all the wrong places, wrong cities, wrong people. and before i know it i've ran through three of my nine lives.

in my seventh life i'll listen to my parent's advice. i'll work a nine to five, make a stable income, settle down with a wife i'm not sure i'm in love with, but she is a good mother to my children. we will have a white picket fence, red door and a big fluffy dog, one that barks at the mailman.

for my eighth i'll live it alone, i'll write books, live in a little apartment in New York City, spend my days writing in a cafe around the block from where i live. and drink w!ne before bed. i'll do yoga, eat, clean and have an occasional c!garette off my balcony. i'll raise a cat by myself, and he will watch me take my last breath before my last life.

in my final life i'll look for you. i'll wait at bus stops, move back to our hometown, try and find you at sh!!ty dive bars and write letters i'll never send. i'll realise that after living eight lives something was missing. going about life without the person i loved made it all see meaningless.

but i dont have nine lives. i just have this one.

so i guess i'll spend it sitting by the ocean and waiting for you.