1am nothingness (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) .ᐟ.ᐟ

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i time travel to spend a day in 2013. i take the bus down to rural new south wales. its some disgusting mix between hot sun and cool air. mum loves this weather but i hate it. it makes my fingers numb and my skin sweaty. i watch as a girl gets into a silver nissan to go to a sutton bus stop. she fucking hates her outfit. all the other girls wear green flared leggings and a school hoodie and shes wearing these dumb ass sweatpants and a skivvy because if she doesn't she gets cold and sick and her mum has to stay home from work. i don't hate her outfit. i think she looks cute. i also think that the reason for the chronic common colds is not the clothes she wears, but that's not my business. thats between her and god, or whoever. i follow her as the silver nissan pulls out of the driveway and up the highway. the girl instinctively presses her right shoe hard into the footwell at every steep hill and sharp corner. she doesn't know how to drive. shes never even been in a car accident at all but for whatever reason her gut still turns as the wheels do. instead of going to sutton primary school i take her to woodworks cafe. her favourite, yay! we get hot chocolate and pancakes and she gets a weird look on her face and i ask her whats wrong and she says "too much sugar. this is too much sugar and now im going to get sick and im scared." i am also scared but i know its easier for me than it is for her. i tell her the sugar doesn't matter. she can eat what she wants. she smiles. that smile fools mum but it doesn't fool me. i ignore it because thats what she would want. i eat my pancakes and smile as well. if it were mum sitting across from me she would be fooled, but its not mum. its her, and she knows.

i ask her how spelling is going. she says easy.

she asks me how maths is going. i say i hard.

i ask her if she sits with johanna bissell at lunch. she throws a bit of pancake at me.

she asks if i have a job yet. i throw a bit of pancake at her. 

i ask her what she likes about johanna bissell. she says "i don't know. shes nice and pretty."

i say, under my breath "okay lesbo."

she says "what?"

i say "nothing."

i drop her off at school. the sight of the playground even makes me grimace. cant imagine how she feels about it. she gets out of the car and walks down the ramp, past the office and off to the year 1 classrooms. she pulls at her skivvy and tries to tighten the waist on her sweatpants. i still think she looks cute.