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12/17/24

Why do I fall for everyone who gives me attention? 

It's so draining to be attracted to people who will never love me as much or as quickly as I love them. 

I adore everyone, I love everyone I hate, even if not romantically, so I already have an attachment to everyone I meet. 

But when they give me attention, treat me with respect and kindness, goddammit I fall so hard I'm scared. 

I just want to love and be loved, that's all I want. I'm so alone and I'm so desperate for human touch that it feels like a pit of forlorned longing within my chest when I even imagine being held. 

I just want love, that's all I want, I can't help that I'm a romantic person. I cannot run properly unless I'm in love, I can't function unless I have affection I can give and receive. I'm such a pathetic person, I hate it, but I can't change it. I feel so isolated, all I want is love. All I want is to be held and seen. 

I just want to be acknowledged in a desirable sense. 

I just want my face to be held, and to make eye contact with someone, and be able to genuinely see the affection in their gaze when they say "it's all okay, Benjamin. Everything is okay, don't worry.. I love you." I fantasize about the purest forms of love in a manner that makes me feel as though I'm never going to receive it again. 

Please just hold me, let me cry, let me feel you comfort and reassure me, let me know I'm not alone and that you're there. Just let me be human and have the bonds I need to have in order to live and breathe, goddammit. All I need is love.