do i actually want love or do i just want to play house

Lately I’ve been thinking about love and whether I actually want it, or if I just like the idea of it. Like, I’ll catch myself daydreaming about having someone, making them breakfast, folding their clothes just right, tucking a little note in their bag. I think about someone coming home to me and I already have soup on the stove, the house clean, candles lit, the whole aesthetic like some kind of cozy otome game background.

But when I imagine that person turning to me, looking at me with love, wanting to touch me or hold me, I get this weird jolt in my stomach. Not butterflies. Not shyness. Something closer to discomfort. Unease. Sometimes even disgust. Like the entire fantasy pops like a soap bubble and I’m just sitting there, suddenly feeling like I’ve made something too soft and too beautiful for a real human to fit inside.

It’s like I want to care for someone the way I’d care for a doll or a plushie, something delicate, precious, and a little unreal. Something that doesn’t reach back toward me in the same way. Which sounds messed up, I know. But it’s the truth. I don’t crave physical affection. I don’t want to be perceived in that way. I don’t want someone’s desire crawling up my spine when I’m just trying to exist.

And maybe that means I don’t really want a relationship. Maybe I’m not built for love in the way everyone talks about it. Maybe what I want is warmth. Safety. Closeness without the pressure to perform romance or desire. Maybe I just want family. Not in the biological sense, but in that feeling of people who belong to each other. Who show up for each other. Who say, “Hey, you don’t have to be anyone but yourself here.”

Maybe I want a friend who lets me cook for them without it meaning anything more than “I care about you and I’m glad you’re here.” Maybe I want a small world that doesn’t expect me to make space for touch I don’t want. Maybe I want stillness, not passion.

I don’t know what this means long-term. I don’t know if it means I’ll be alone forever or if I’ll grow into something different.

This is from my tumblr I wrote this like three weeks ago. I was wondering if anyone felt the same.