The Bad Things WILL Change - Personal Affirmations

The Bad Things WILL Change!

By: Clayton.

Introduction

I was going to start my spacehey blog off by doing an introduction of myself, however recently I have been falling back into a very aggressive mindset about my life that I used to have back In highschool. One that does not benefit much except the feelings of feeling sad. As I begin my 19th year of life and look ahead at my 20th, I have come to realize something I hadn't when I was an angry, sad, dreary teenager. I want to live. I don't want to paddle along down the river and just survive each time a wave comes crashing into my canoe, I want to laugh a bit as the cold water splashes up at my face. Over the past two years I have dealt with some hardships in which some I would never wish upon anybody. However, I have survived those and at the end of each, I have gained something that makes me smile, that makes me warm inside and something that makes me genuinely happy. 

Teenhood to Young Adulthood

as a teenager (14-16) I struggled with the idea of adults taking me seriously, I was afraid I wasn't acting or saying things in the right order to be understood, and to be listened to. As I navigated my gender changes throughout the most hormonal years of my life, It felt as though the world couldn't possibly be worse for anybody else except for me. It made me gain a giant sense of guilt, dissatisfaction and non-motivation for school and life as a whole. I strived for adulthood, and for what felt like freedom to say, to feel, and to express how I liked. As I move towards that independence, and especially over the last few years, I have learnt that the independence that i sought after doesnt come from age or years on your back, but its the voice you command yourself with, and the truth and confidence in your words. 

Falling Into Bad Routines

My first year of university has fallen with many highlights and struggles. My anxieties from starting a year behind my similarly aged peers (Due to an unwanted but beneficial gap year), to my happiness over moving to a big fancy city where previously I would only visit once a year at the max if at all. It was exhilarating especially living in the shitty concrete walls of a rather grey student accommodation. It felt as though I had finally met the criteria for my overly high sense of academic pride I had felt over high school. However as semester one turned to two I began to feel the similar waves of winter depression in the cold of the grey city. I missed my family, and I missed my friends back home. One skipped lecture turned into two and these days I cant even get up out of bed. Doubts about my academic future and career doubts have sent me into an undesirable spiral of hate towards myself and jealousy to those who seem like their lives are put together. Suddenly, I was just surviving the school year. With what seems like one bad news after another It feels hopeless to care. However I don't just want to survive, I want to live. And feel- good.

What I'm Gonna Do About It - And Takes From This

As the sun is starting to come out again and as I head into the final stretch of exam season before summer Im hoping to get out more. Go on a walk or a scenic drive. It want to try new foods and go to the park. I want to walk around a museum or go to the convenience store for a treat because I simply can. I want to do things at my own pace without feeling like I need to run there and back. Im going to make my bed, and have breakfast. Im going to open my curtains and go outside in the dark. Im going to listen to music without headphones and finally get those plans out of the group chat. Im going to hunt for a summer job I love and im going to save money for something I really want. As I finish up wriing this I have begun to realize all of the things I am excited to do, to experience. Its going to be hard to be happy, but I have been through it before, and so have millions of other people before me. I know there is a bright thing out there just over the mountain that I cant see yet thats going to be worth going through these struggles a hundred times over. I can do anything if I say I can. Even if I fail a few times, I can only worry about what I can change right now. Otherwise? Its for another time. 

- Clayton