i woke up late and found myself lacking the skill of making

i have always been creative. so even if there were things in my life that seemed to change my path, it was always inevitable that i'd land in a creative field, career wise. that is simply what i do the best.

but, i've always expected perfection. or maybe not me, but i definitely needed perfection to be an achievable goal, always. so mistakes were something to be minimized and shunned.

i say "were" but i still feel that way. i think 12 years of school will eventually get to you in that way, especially if thats the main thing that gave you and your parents a reason to talk to each other.

so. i want to avoid mistakes but i also want to be creative. being "the best creative" would be the appropriate compromise.

however, i am actually the worst creative person out there. because all the good creatives are out there, making things, trying out new stuff, and being mediocre and failing and doing shittily. but they do it on a constant, and so they make themselves learn and thrive off of that room for error. they stay creative through the chance they leave up to the creative process.

next semester, i should be doing things that i want to do. not that i think would be a) easily achievable b) likeable enough c) palatable to the exercise. i need to keep doing stuff, or start doing stuff, and do so much stuff, that by sheer quantity, my quota of shitty art slims down.

shitty art will always be better than my occasional bursts of acceptable material. acceptable is disgusting. brilliant is not palatable, its aquired taste. and aquired skill.

i need to train.