JOURNAL ENTRY #1 (8:22pm, 3/26/2025) vent-ish

Always been shit at journaling never know what to write, 

School is technically over but I'm still missing clearance and a lot of assignments/requirements. My school's tried to contact my mom about once per quarter now, she gets mad at me even warranting any concern from teachers so I'm glad she never goes but upset knowing i won't be receiving help/treatment (i was cut off from therapy about a year ago, i never brought it up again - financial stuff came up, i can't blame them but I'm still a little bitter). 

I have.. uh 

- talent video for ESP

- math portfolio 

- Filipino PETA

- social studies paper

all that left to do - and I'm still stuck on the first one - the easiest. This always happens - never on time and always falling the fuck off by first quarter. My mom think's its a tired routine, we cant keep doing this, i guess she's right, not like I know how to help it - it's an uncomfortably familiar routine, i guess. 

Last year i was kicked from my last school - "kicked" is a strong word but it's essentially what happened. I was phased out, in a way - it was a sort of delirious spiral i had for a few weeks, one particularly intense meltdown later and the principle decided i was barred from enrolling next year and I'd be put on online classes to finish my work.

I passed - scarcely 

Probably in a "fuck off" kinda way so i could just move schools, maybe pity? 

I always have a habit - no not - i don't know what to call it, routine of finishing school stuff or the school year and not feeling very accomplished or glad or whatever- just bitter. Like I'm angry i even had to do any of it to begin with, that i was so pathetic and incompetent in my efforts - that i allowed myself to be so hurt over school of all things.

This spiraled a little but might as well stay on topic.

I haven't been able to do math on my level for years, i just feel dread looking at the board, i couldn't even imagine what an equation formula whatever is supposed to look like on my grade level - hell i dont even know the right terminology. I've had two tutors these past two years - last one was short lived (money thing again, I'm pretty sure) - neither worked. Either im dyscalculic or fucking stupid, neither would be addressed in the soon future, anyways.

I really don't like myself.

I feel sure and justified in that - it makes sense. 

I don't have any saving graces or anything to warrant pride - and it pains me to think of myself flaunting an ego i clearly don't deserve. Kinda stupid, not a looker - fat, i'll admit, and generally inept and incompetent. I can draw but it won't save me. I'm introspective but introspection can only get you so far - im apprehensive to change and to action even if i desperately want it, it's pathetic but i'm yet to move past it. 

End of entry.