To Feel Whole

I’d do anything to feel whole again

To fill that hollow void which consumes me ever so often

I yearn to feel complete but it’s a preposterous idea to think a person besides myself could solve that

I’m terribly sorry for any projections I’ve done onto someone so innocent 

But sometimes I wish you were nicer

Sometimes I wish you told me

But written and typed out could never express the visceral pain I constantly feel when I realised you stopped caring

I know you did at some point 

At some point in time you did care

What made you stop?

Was it the realisation I benefited you no more or was it this fear for it to all come back to you

It pains knowing you never liked yourself back then

But I know I did

And I guess I never liked myself then either

I couldn’t just forget it all

I still kept everything you gave me

The birthday present

The Polaroid I so proudly kept behind my yellow stained phone case

I never forget

And sometimes I wonder if I could ever forgive but of course I can

I could never hate you

I’ve loved everyone I’ve ever met

You might never know it

And you might never know the fact I still keep a postcard with your name written on it and a smudged passage written in black ink 

I never got your address anyway so I could’ve never sent it either way

But I still keep it around

In the hopes that it’ll make me feel whole again somehow