Life sucks

Hi. So basically, I feel like shit. I’m always a second choice, the one in the back awkwardly laughing. I’m always thinking “I want to go home” but when I get home I’m still thinking that. It’s not like my home isn’t really a home, I just seek that automatic comfort of getting home, and that just doesn’t exist for me. I think what I want is to feel better, or to just not exist. I want to shove a bayonet through my stomach. I’m so tired of everything, the drama, everyone being so fucking fake, acting as if there’s a purpose to doing any of this shit. It’s just a distraction from this bullshit world. We are nothing, a piece of dust in the eyes of the universe, floating, trying to make a purpose that isn’t real. People will say, “don’t work I’m here for you, there is a purpose, it’s family” like do I look like I give a shit?!?!? It’s all lies, ur just saying that to make yourself feel better, “like I tried”. I know I don’t make a difference in any of your lives, it’ll just be: “Remember that one weird girl back in high school?” “Yeah, she killed herself or something.” I just don’t matter. People don’t really say their real feelings, for example ask someone that’s obviously not ok if they’re alright and most of the time they’ll give u bullshit and say“I’m ok”people are so fake. Like I don’t give a shit if you hate me, just don’t make me waste my time on trying to please you when you don’t even care. I’m so bored of everything that I keep having these thoughts, like what if I jump off these stairs? Would they have enough time to save me? If I disappear would anyone give a shit? Why am I here, is the most important one. I feel like I’m stumbling in the dark, looking for a light switch that doesn’t exist. I’m always on one percent looking for a busted up charger. I’m fucking ugly, unimportant, and not even funny. I try too hard to the point where I look stupid, and I don’t think anyone will ever like, love me love me. I’m jumping around trying to find a “soulmate” or “true love” which apparently will fix everything?!?!? But I thought I met her, but she didn’t “meet” me. It didn’t work, so she broke up with me over text. Ts sucks so much I want to kms so bad. It’s getting so old, that when I tell people I need a break, they say “are the meds not working?” I honestly don’t want them to work. Even if I was happy, theres nothing for me. I have shitty grades, a fuckass dad, annoying ass brother, fake friends, an eating disorder, and a few evil exes. Like if I was at a sleepover, I could slip into the garage over the night and nobody would notice. I’m not saying I’m perfect either, that would be pure bullshit. I’m a perfect shithead if that counts. I think I’m a horrible person. Especially if I’m spilling this shit onto all of you innocent little chumps. I’ll shut up now. You don’t have to make me feel better, I just wanted to vent. Goodbye guys, cya later.