Burn Out

My Spring break ended on Sunday (23-03-2025), and I'm now on the second day back. By the time I woke up this morning, I was more than ready to go right back to sleep. This Spring semester is absolutely killing me.

It has been long enough that I can't remember if I used to be like this when I was in high school, as I graduated back in 2017. Something tells me I totally was, but that was also from the carefree nature of being up all night playing video games like PAYDAY 2 or Team Fortress 2, and not caring about what grades I would get. I never planned to go to college back then. Even if I did wake up tired, I still think that I was somewhat a little motivated to go and see my friends at least.

The tone-shift I face these days is a horrible wake-up call.

I spent no time in middle or high school developing study habits, which really bite me in the butt now. I also have been getting a big reminder that I have ADD/ADHD, and that has also been a bigger issue than I remember. I wish I could've had a little bit of drive then to at least develop the minimum in academic routines.

Even though I now have the desire to go to classes now (considering I'm paying to go here), which I think is a big difference from regular schooling where being forced to go was a big point in not wanting to be there, I'm starting to get those intrusive thoughts that I don't want to do this anymore. Obviously I just need to ignore those thoughts and power through it.

I'll be completely honest and say one of the largest parts is that I have to take two mathematics courses this semester. I dread math, and have neeeeeeeeeeeeeeever been good at it. I also don't care to be any good at anything above the absolutely elementary-level basics. Going through straight A's and B's to snagging those C-'s is making me feel like a moron, even if I've (for once in my life) spent a lot of time actively studying. Hell, for one of those tests I spent a solid seven hours studying for it the day before and only ended up with a 69% (nice lol). It feels like that Simpsons scene about Bart failing that test he actually studied for. I just don't comprehend this stuff what-so-ever. Partially it also comes from the mindset that I don't give a damn about the topic and couldn't give one if I tried, as I know the moment Summer hits I won't remember a single thing from either of these classes. Oh well, we're not made to be great at everything in the end. It's probably just a hang-up on my ego that I'm not good at something, when honestly why should I care if I don't care about the topic.

My Philosophy class is already in session, so I should probably pay attention to that. It's also hard for me to care in this class because the bottom line message of it seems to be "don't cause strife in the workplace, respect your bosses and management, don't be a burden to society by trying to change the status quo". I find that a load of bull, but this is is also coming from a professor who also seems to need the ability to toss their two-cents in on everything she's teaching from her textbook, especially when she feels like she has to dump on gender or sexuality-related topics or talk about the christian god (actual areas are in religious studies & philosophy). I liked to think she says this stuff to try and spark a rebuttal from a student to encourage engagement, but I don't actually think that's the case anymore. Being preached at is lame and a total drag, which thankfully as a teacher myself, I actively fight doing. I can understand how it becomes difficult not to do, but I'll do my best.

Anyways, I'm already feeling my eyelids get heavier, so I should finish this already way too long blog post that's honestly just me whining like a wounded dog and get to actual work.