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I made this account a few months ago because my friend said Spacehey was a cool throwback to the old internet, which I miss quite a bit. I ended up not continuing it because I didn't know what I'd use it for, but after a very brave person, Future Corpse/Skins, who made a very cool blog post that I agree with quite succinctly, and upon reading the comments I read that the Moderators viewed it as A-ok to post, I had an idea.
I felt after that that I knew what I'd use this for. I'd journal my life with regards to the stuff I can't say in real life or anywhere else. It's very rare for a site to allow free-speech on this specific topic, so I'd like to talk about my experiences growing up as a NOMAP. Let me elaborate on the acronym if you are unaware.
NO = Non Offending, which means I will never offend or break any law, regarding this subject.
MAP = Minor Attracted Person, which is a catch-all for all kinds of attraction to people younger than the age of majority.
I believe that this paraphilia of mine is caused by the sexual abuse I endured from 4-10 by my step-dad. It caused early hypersexuality for me, and exposed me to evil, pornographic stuff when I too young to comprehend. Thus, this leads me to say it is traumagenic in nature.
Further, I am "Non-Recovery." I say this because I do not view fantasies or fiction to be things with moral character, and since this experience I've had since at least 13 years old does not bother me, I do not wish to stop being the way I am. I tried for half a decade and all it caused me was harm and shame. And God knows I can't talk about how I feel with a therapist, a person with a lot of power over me in such a situation.
So here I am talking to you all. I don't know if anyone will read this, or if this is in any way more transgressive than Future Corpse's post and will be deleted, but yeah. On this blog, I want to talk about my experiences with trauma, being groomed, how I tried to move on and be normal, and how that failed, and how I find peace and reconciliation in accepting that how I feel does not make me a monster like I thought for half my life.
I leave you with some vintage japanese art. :)
["A Christmas Night in a Girl's World" ใใฏใชในใในใฎๅค ๏ผๅฐๅฅณไธ็๏ผใ (1931)]
Disclaimer: Children cannot consent, rapists deserve death, and I am never going to justify any kind of sexual abuse. If you hate me because you think I do, I'm telling you, you are wrong, I do not. If you hate me because you think I'm gross, then reconsider, because purity/disgust politics is deeply flawed.
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sehnsucht-in-paris
Oh I'm also anti-contact pro-para. I'm not MAP though. Can you elaborate on the anti recovery bit though?
Of course. When I was coming of age, I was starting to realize that how I felt was not "normal" and, because of how stigmatized people like me are, I felt scared, alone, and I was horrified that I'd be like the people in my life who hurt me. I tried to "fix" myself in a lot of different ways, from celibacy, abstinence from masturbation, BDSM with people older than me, therapy for PTSD, but none of it ever helped and the shame that focusing on trying to remove a part of myself really weighed on me. Sometimes these things actively hurt my mental health and I found that impossible to navigate; I left my partner of six years because I couldn't get over the things we did with each other and the way it re-traumatized me, and how I couldn't feel any attraction for her at all after that.
I decided two years ago that I would not try to change. Instead, I would accept myself and my fantasies, and not bother with trying to change. I'm already fine as I am, even better, than if I was trying to not be a NOMAP. I hold the convictions I need to be a good person already, and I am not a danger- I am innocent, so there is no need to "recover" or stop having fantasies. They don't bother me at all, I've had them since I was young and I'm okay with them.
It only ever bothered me because I was alone, afraid, and ashamed over something I could not control.
by ๐ค remedial starlet ๐ค; ; Report
I guess I can see that.
by sehnsucht-in-paris; ; Report
Also (saying this here because I don't know where else to say it) I saw your friend request. Bit I checked your account and if what you mean by radically Queer is that you're Radqueer, I don't reay like Radqueers. Not because of the accepting paras thing, I just don't agree with the whole TransId and pro contact bits. Just letting you know.
by sehnsucht-in-paris; ; Report
I don't rly care about transIDs but obviously I am anti that other thing. I use radically queer as a label because I want everyone who's pushed out of the popular queer community to have a place; paraphiles, contradictory labels, and in the past nonbinary, ace people, etc.
It just means I am accepting, not that I support anything harmful.
by ๐ค remedial starlet ๐ค; ; Report
I guess the term is radinclus. But I get that telling others how to label is annoying. Just wanted to put this out there. And yes the way some people are treated within the community is just not right.
by sehnsucht-in-paris; ; Report