entry 1🍓

i wish i didn't ruin every moment by feeling ugly.🍓

personally i think i've come a very long way from where i was but i think to me, i'll always be the ugliest in the room. right now , it's messing with me because i'm part of a stage performance and everyone else looks pretty and sounds pretty, but everytime i see how i look in my costume or just in general, i feel so incredibly hideous.🍓

i know that no one else cares that much but it just dampens my mood. then i'm just hyper aware of myself for the rest of the event. and that's how it always goes.🍓

that makes me avoid pictures or videos or just anything that would immortalize the moment, which is all okay until years later where i see several pictures of events and parties that i know i was at. but it's as if i wasn't even there because i'm in none of the recorded memories.🍓

i wish i wouldn't care so much about what i look like but it makes me feel so bad when i do show up in a picture and i just feel like i pale in comparison to everyone else.🍓