letter 4: december 2024

December was an extremely significant month in regards to developing our relationship and understanding our dynamic. By December, we were quite close already, having spent a lot of time both offline and online together. The more we hung out, the more I longed for your presence and the more I wanted to...like you? obsess over you? love you? I wasn't sure yet if my feelings for you were a result of a fleeting interest or if they meant something more tangible and real. I spent this month thinking about this topic a lot, and by the 18th of December, I was sure of my feelings towards you and what they truly meant to me.

On the 8th, we visited the Oh my pet! exposition together and I loved being there with you. I remember the numerous animals we saw, the sugar glider we held together and the fact I met your parents-I hold all of these occurences with a lot of fondness. However, there was one event that I often think about. The exposition was really crowded and I was worried that we might get separated in the sea of people. I wanted to hold onto your hand, to stick to you so I won't lose sight of you, however I couldn't muster up the courage to do so. When an opportunity did arrive-our fingers were in the process of intertwining-I abruptly pulled away, apologising for my gesture. I'm not sure why I did that; I was afraid, deathly afraid of the thing I wanted the most. It was bizarre and I thought about it for a while thereafter, cursing myself for chickening out last minute. This was also the day when we first visited the tent at the furniture store and sat together, chattering about random things. You began asking questions about Mr Hydroxonium again, concluding your interrogation with "Is it me?". I remember changing the topic because frankly, while Mr Hydroxonium was you, I didn't want to tell you until I was absolutely certain of my feelings. This was also the period where I still wasn't sure if you felt the same way about me, and a rejection would've certainly tore me apart. So while I didn't answer your question that day, I finally responded to it eight days later, when we went out to watch Moana 2 together.

While the movie itself was horrendeous, the memories we made sang a different tune. I remember when you rested your head on my shoulder in the movie theatre and our enthusiastic plans to watch more movies in the future. We had food together afterwards and I suggested that we visit the tent again. The ambience it carried was perfect; it was dimly lit with romantic fairylights and the silence allowed for an intimate experience. In other words, it just felt 'right' to be there at that point of time. We chattered like usual when the same familiar question came up. "Who's Mr Hydroxonium?" with the same last query that brought chills down my spine. "Is it me?" I wanted to back out and divert the topic again but at the same time I wanted to let it out, to free the truth for once and for all. But my voice got lost in the labyrinth of my throat and for a solid five minutes, I struggled to find the right words, fighting the urge to coil and shun my feelings, only saying "Yes." before losing my mind to total gibberish. 

"Yes."

It took me all of my will power to push this word out of my system. I spent the past week reflecting on the feelings I had for you and why I felt this way about you. From the moment I first saw you, I wanted to get to know you better and more I got to know you better, the more I began craving your presence. It got to a point that sometimes you'd visit me in my dreams and my dreams always ended with the both of us falling in love with each other, to remaining to be in love with each other until the ends of time. However, along the way I had doubts and many a times your actions only helped strengthen them. Sometimes I’d wonder if you truly felt the same way about me, if your words truly had any merit to them. On other occasions I’d worry that I was wrongly labelling my feelings and if this crush of mine was just a short-lived experience. If I were to falsely call my feelings as love, I could hurt the both of us, particularly you. Then on other days I would scare myself to death by thinking that what you felt for me wasn’t genuine and maybe you were waiting for the day that I would confess to you, only for you to laugh at my face and reject me. I mean, this was all so…fast. Why did I even have feelings for you and why would you have feelings for me? Was I mindlessly falling into a trap of sorts? All of this seemed too good to be true, there’s no way I would allow myself to trust and get attached to someone romantically like that. Besides did I truly really love you or was this just a stupid little crush waiting to pass on? I had so many questions, so many thoughts weighing me down, crushing the beating heart of mine. Not to mention the fact that my friends didn’t seem supportive making me feel all the more overbearing and a try hard for someone..that I wasn’t even sure liked me back.

However, Marcus there is no denying that I had fallen for you the moment I first saw you, though this was a realisation I stumbled upon much later. But I was..I am in love with you and no matter the thoughts that conspire against us, my feelings for you remain unchanging. Your soul, your passion, your humour, your heart, your mind, your smile, your empathy; I fell for every part of you and from the beginning I was reluctant to let go of you. There were times where I thought we would never talk again or get close to one another but you defied all my expectations and fears, peeling off the layers of negativity and anxiety to reveal a heart that runs on love for you. I love you Marcus and there’s no doubt in my heart about it. Infact, I was quite sure of my feelings from the beginning but I wasn’t sure of yours. I waited patiently until I was sure that my feelings for you weren’t unrequited before admitting directly to what I truly felt. The further I pulled myself away, the closer I wanted to be with you, the more I questioned our relationship, the more I wanted to be yours. 

That day, it took me a while to choke up the words, not because I had doubts about my love for you but because I questioned your love for me. To let go off the truth made me feel light though in that moment of vulnerability I got emotional and starting muttering and mumbling random strings of words and sentences. To know that you accepted my feelings and felt the same way about me got me even more overwhelmed, nearly tearing up out happiness. I remember when it was time for me to leave, you gave me a hug for the very first time and I hold great recollection of that. I wanted to melt into your arms, to never let go off you and now everytime we hug, I hate to let go of you :( if I could, I would want to embrace you forever. To hold your hand forever. To lay your head on my shoulder forever. I fell in love with our similarities, our interactions, our shared hobbies and interests, our bond and the warmth you would ignite within me when it was just us. 

I'm glad I confessed my feelings for you. With this clarity in mind, we stepped into the new year, together ^^ I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU!!