the artist's way - week one update! ꒰🫐꒱

hello!!! ―୨୧⋆ ˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ welcome to my new weekly blog-posts where i talk about my progress with julia cameron's book/12-week course "the artist's way"!!! here i'll be posting my check-ins, excerpts from my morning pages, & extra notes/thoughts about it!

the reason i started the artist's way was primarily because of doechii - after reading through the first week, it's INCREDIBLY obvious how much inspiration she's taken from the book and carries it with her today even through her now grammy award-winning career! i'm hoping to improve my own music while i progress through this book, mostly my songwriting + production skills. i also want to use it as a chance to heal from my own mental health problems and even maybe start scrapbooking, continue with my paintings, and more as i think of it!!

so, here we go!

— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ — check-in — ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —

how many days this week did you do your morning pages? how was the experience for you?: this week i completed 7/7 morning pages, though this morning i woke up with a migraine so i was only able to write one 1/2 pages instead of the full three, though i am going to make up for the missing pages with more affirmations from the tasks! at first, doing the morning pages was quite frustrating for me this week because it kept bringing up memories i didn't want to revisit, as i knew they would only hurt me - especially memories of one person who hurt me quite a lot, and i emailed them to get them back in my life more this week than i ever really have before (even though it was a frequent occurrence). near the end of the week, i started trying to implement positive thinking into my life - and oh boy, did it genuinely help so much! i honestly thought having bpd meant for me that i wasn't ever going to be responsive to improvement/treatment because i'm naturally very treatment resistant, but persistence and keeping to the morning pages schedule along with starting to be kinder to myself has really helped a lot.

did you do your artist date this week? what did you do? how did it feel?: so, unfortunately, i wasn't able to do the artist date this week - and that's mostly due to financial/anxiety reasons. i didn't even get to do groceries this week, let alone take myself out on an adventure. my plan was initially to go to the craft store and buy a bunch of random stuff to scrapbook with outdoors, and sketch/write down any ideas that inspired me (people, statues, memories, smells, etc.) in the hopes of being able to make a sort of mood-board for my music. i should hopefully do this in week 2 if it's possible for me then!!!!

were there any other issues this week that you consider significant to your recovery? describe them: as i was previously talking about the forbidden email saga, i think i've sent the very last one this week; or at least i hope that's the case. it's something that i keep telling myself: i know we can't be friends for very good reasons and we're only going to hurt each other in the end, but i have a tendency to mourn important friendships for a VERY long time. i've also been very much struggling with my own self-worth and learning how to spend my time on my own, which i have a lot of - boredom only leads to overthinking, and then spiraling, and then something much worse. i need to get a hobby, and while i love doing art i burn out very fast when i do because it's the only thing i do other than doomscrolling social media/dating apps/tiktok/now spacehey, etc. etc. i have a lot more plans to be social this week, but other than that i don't have much, and the more i rely on friends the more toxic that might become.

— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ — excerpts from morning pages/tasks — ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —

1. morning pages #1, 16/3/2025: "i've been thinking a lot about my mother's struggles with fertility, and how cruel i was (about wanting a sibling) as a child - no less how cruel i must be now. .... i left for so long, she probably doesn't love me as family like she once did". "this time i'll hopefully discover myself. i'm going to make this album, maybe even more, and it'll be so good. i want to, and will, become an individual with no regard for beauty, social & industry standards".
2. morning pages #2, 17/3/2025: "i'm scared i'm unable to be loved now that i'm 18, the part of me that was desirable is gone now." "i do want to get better but i'm afraid no amount of therapy is good enough to fix me." "i thought these pages would stop the desire, but these are just blueprints for the next email".
3. morning pages #3, 18/3/2025: "i've skipped a lot of appointments this week, including one today, but making sure (two younger people in my life) are safe is more important to me." "i'm worrying about myself too much again, i find. if i could just leave it all to therapy and see the bigger picture in the meantime i would, but i'm inherently broken in ways nobody can figure out". "i think i was quite close to psychosis again last night and it could be the trauma or the weed, but i'm afraid regardless".
4. morning pages #4, 19/3/2025: "i just read about a woman who waited 10 hours in the ER with a 30bpm heartrate & a history of cardiac arrest, and she was turned away with the classic sorry! we can't do anything to help you. i'm getting more and more angry at the healthcare system as the days go by, and i can only sit and wait until i'm hopefully stable and educated enough for med school." 
5. morning pages #5, 20/3/2025: "i'm no longer the kid that everyone needs to care for - i'm an adult now. i don't get excuses or respect. i guess it's a fair bit ironic that as soon as i stopped being valued as my city's charity case among the punk scene, i started looking after two people who are in the same position i once was." "i'm hoping the artist's way will be able to help me gain self-discipline. i can't hold myself back from doing anything, maybe because i've had to hold myself since 16."
6. morning pages #6, 21/3/2025: "maybe they didn't intend to hurt me like they said, but then why don't they want to come back?" "(about a trip to parliament, or in american words congress) if i get a chance to ask things today, they will surround youth homelessness, hormone politics, education/studylink, and the justice system when it comes to my attempted murder. i want to know if (the MP of my city) could really ever be sympathetic towards a person like me, or if it's all just for show." "the artist's way seems very cbt-based and i'm not sure if i have the right brain for it." "i don't know if i still want to rebuild my relationship with my parents or not, not knowing they've hurt me isn't a good enough excuse to keep making the same mistakes in my adulthood." 
7. morning pages #7, 22/3/2025: "i know for a fact i'm strong, regardless of how many people need to tell me that. reading through a number of emails from therapists telling me they can't offer me a spot (or that they have a waitlist) is basically a form of rejection therapy, and i'm winning it." "i'm almost glad, in part, that my ipad is broken, because restrictions in the creative world are important. i need to learn how to make instrumentals on my laptop now." "(the MP) was really sweet, and her advisor dakota was just as nice as well. even if i don't get chosen as youth MP, it was a really cool experience and i'll take anything that gets me out of the house." "i'm really proud of myself. i've made it this far and been through this much without giving up and very few people my age get to live the way i have been." 

the end!! i feel like i've droned on enough, so i'll let you go now! i've learned a lot this week and i'm really grateful for myself in giving this book a go, and i'll definitely keep updating you all on my progress weekly! thank you for being here with me on this journey and i hope you're having a wonderful day!!! ✎┊ 

remi ―୨୧⋆ ˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖