Neurodivergent

I'm just at a point in life where I feel like I need to vent about some struggles I'm having. Maybe someone can relate?? Disclaimer: Some of the things I say may sound overly sad, but I swear I'm fine I just want to type out things I've been thinking. 

Being diagnosed with both Autism and Borderline Personality Disorder has impacted my quality of life so greatly. 

My whole life has revolved around wondering why I was not like everyone else. Constantly observing everything around me, how people talk or act around each other. Being humiliated when the learned behaviors are still incorrect. I long so deeply for connection with others, but it feels so impossible. I longed so deeply to experience normal social experiences and I have missed out on so many through my teenage years and now through my 20's and I will continue to do so. I hurts so bad to know that I was and am getting robbed of so much for something I had no say over. Sometimes I step back after saying these things and think that maybe it's not actually that it is difficult, but that it's actually just something that's wrong with me as a person. I think back to all the years as a child, crying to my parents about how I can't make any friends. "You're not trying hard enough.". "Be more outgoing.". I think back to times I was purposely left out of things despite my efforts. I also think back to the times I took to leap and asked people I thought were friends if I could join the hangout they were planning in front of me only to be met with blank faces. Then thinking it will be different as an adult, only to be met with the same scenarios. Why do I have to through this. It is literally torture to be so alone in life. I want to be likeable.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder around the same time as Autism. My late teenage years were literally hell. One thing that hurts about having BPD is that I could've existed without it if my life were different. I've never really been about to talk much about my experience with BPD. There is such a lack of understanding about it as a whole. Especially now with social media, it seems as though having BPD has become a trend, which I feel makes it even harder to be taken seriously. I wish so badly that it was as simple as those people make it seem and I wish so badly that I didn't actually have to deal with it. I wish people knew what it was like to go through an episode. What it feels like to feel so out of control of your own feelings and being. To physically hurt over such intense, awful feelings. To be so in pain, yet have people tell you that "it's not that serious". I know when the things that hurt me are miniscule, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I may die from the feelings they cause me. I know I shouldn't lash out, but it's so difficult when I feel wronged. It sounds so corny, but the audio that goes - "I'm not a bad dog, I don't know why I bite" is how it feels sometimes. I feel so guilty for how I am. I long so deeply to be normal. I wish I wasn't so hard to love. I'm so tired of being so difficult to deal with. It hurts to be this way when all I want in life is to be loved and wanted. Yet, it feels like I'm just destined to self sabotage and ruin any opportunity of that happening. 

I genuinely feel like I hold no positive qualities that are worth dealing with my issues. I constantly grieve the person I could have been. I don't understand why my whole life has to be coated in constant pain and loneliness. I don't like being me. I don't like myself and I can't fathom ever doing so. I self loathe so much that I sometimes start feeling guilty for liking things. I feel guilty for owning things. I just feel guilty that there is anything associated with me. I just feel guilty for being alive and ruining everything around me. It feels like I can't even talk about my negative feelings without being told that I bring it all onto myself as if I don't already know this. I already know that I don't even deserve to feel this way, but it doesn't make it hurt less. I hope one day I wake up normal.