first blog i guess.

Hello, though i know these blogs will most likely meet no one, i feel id find comfort in posting them. As of today, i spend each day in bed with my boyfriend. Not just the evening or night, all day. I get out of bed for essentials i guess ( going to the bathroom and to shower). This cycle im in makes me feel empty inside, i have no interests other than watching stupid shit on youtube, which is mostly just pc builds or house renovations? im not sure where my random peak in interest for house DIYS came from though. I can feel my body rotting from the inside out. As soon as i turned 18 i had my first panic attack, followed by another and another. The anxiety kinda stays, mostly surrounding my fear of my health declining (heart attacks are my main fear due to panic attacks resulting in heart palpitations and chest pain). Every day i wake up saying "scar, youre getting out of bed today, you dont feel too anxious. anything is possible". That mindset tends to decline as the hours pass, motivation just disappearing. Im developing sore muscles, i can barely stand due to knee and back pain. I get into arguments with myself over existential situations which i have no way to understand. Id say id end it if it gets any worse but my fear of death stops that. My life will just be me, sitting, sleeping and suffering until i eventually die of some stupid complication. I pray tomorrow is a good one.