the ravings of a madman

Every time I kill myself, I promise to be even quieter, gray and cold like the autumn-winter blues. And now, when my body has gone numb, my eyes have become like two dirty melting ice floes in early spring, I hear "smile more often", "a smile suits you", "your eyes are completely dull...", I start to repeat again that I have lost... I have plunged into this pool again, sincerely believing that at the very bottom, muddy and cold, there will definitely be the real "me". I start to miss "me" so warm, bright, smiling, funny... 

And all this in a circle. 

And now I am lying here and thinking, what stupidity... 

What stupidity, because all this will repeat itself. Where is "me" and where is my fictitious image, I am already completely confused. I have always been something in the middle, I did not consider myself to belong to any group of people. And quiet, and brave, cheerful, and sad, and strong and weak. No, not in separate moments all this... All in one moment, all mixed up. That's why there is uncertainty about what characteristics actually describe me? It's clear that for those around me the picture is extremely clear, but what about the inner sense of self... This confusion sows some false beliefs, misunderstandings, and then I, the future, will reap these rotten fruits.

I throw in the pills with trembling hands and the taste of valerian, so familiar and dear, spreads in my mouth. There is a ringing in my ears. The words "sei stolz" are in my head.

Sorry